ever feel like you're being jerked around? like you're doing pirouettes but you're not head spotting well enough? as if twirling in your executive mock leather chair until the ergonomic butt pad slips out from beneath your ass?yea. my temp agency is giving me that feeling."we'll call you with the information for the interview..." no call. i call them. no interview. uh... thanks for calling me back with that information."we'll email you the details for the interview and how to get there..." uh huh... riiight.i'm worried they have my wrong email. or they just aren't as good as they used to be back in 2004.sigh.
edit: why on earth if all my new resumes have my new email address would you use the one from two thousand and fucking four? for fucks sake.
rawhide!it should come as no surprise. given the amount of change that my life has taken in recent months... moving from new england to old england... getting married... just a few little changes here and there. so it really shouldn't surprise anyone that change is the only constant in our lives.we're moving.again.not that this effects anyone really. given all my friends are still stateside. all my family is in california. so really. i suppose this only effects us. our little family unit.we're moving to a little town called warwick. though pronounced war-ick. i got lost in this town. but i found my way back. i saw the sights. it took less than an hour to get lost, find my way, and see everything. i think i'm going to love my new town.
one set of tickets.one more to go.squeee!
as we're on the subject of revisiting the past...i'm back at the beginning. back where i was. retracing footsteps. following my own shadow. chasing my fading laughter among the golden leaves of fall... i'm back in cambridge.much like the season. my visit is fleeting. a week of traipsing through old haunts. of retasting the crisp air. of tenderly retouching the rough tree trunks and bricks of new england.i meandered along old walks. i smiled at the familiarity of my last fall and this current fall. 3 years gone. and the sky is the same shade of steel grey. the trees are still stark black against the firey red leaves. i fell in love with this place six years ago. revisiting has reminded me why.i miss it.i miss home.
one day. technically speaking it's two. but for my heart it's only one. i have to pack. i know. i haven't even started. i have to ship some stuff home. thanks to everyone who gave me reading material. but man are books ever heavy. and in order to avoid volcanoes and ash. my flight leaves on time from boston. but lands not in chilly reykjavik . but in less chilly glasgow. which is the right continent. but uhm... 6 hours away from my actual destination. and there is no free transfer. which. sucks. balls.sigh.trains or another flight is the only option. poo. poo i say.one day.and lots of luggage.
so emailing to the moo in regard to the ole "long time no see" and how to rectify such things. teehee... rectify is a funny word. this sentence made me giggle in which we were discussing which state would be better to visit. ohio. or minnesota... "i think minnesota would be tooooons more fun." ...now... is it just me or does that sound like an oxymoron. or like some sort of creepy i've-been-brainwashed speak? i don't want to sound state-ist... state-cist... stateophobic? but really? what do they have there? so of course. being the uber researcher that i am. i googled minnesota. one, to find out where it is. and two to find out where it is. i mean... to find out what fabutastic stuff there is to do there.the first thing that the official site says besides the great outdoors is the mall of america. the effing mall of effing america. lets not talk about any places of great historic value or of natural beauty... instead lets sell our big ass nod to consumerism. wow. but this... this seems to sum it up best. i mean... pickle dog dreams?! what?! what?!! i think this may explain why moo is such a fantastic weirdo.oh and there also seems to be an inordinate amount of snow/winter activites. hello minnesota. there are like three other seasons to be had. sheesh. and now i sit back and wait for the peeptastic rants to come flowing in from the tumbledryer.
so another joy with staying with the socal rents is that they are crazy. gramma is a bit of a hoarder (hence the museum-like state of this place). the stepdad is well... lets just say socially challenged. which is either just his years spent as a freelance photographer in rural africa and asia or it's because of his terrible b.o.my mom has her own bit of crazy. again. this i think is due to childbirth. i should do a study on it. maybe the rational part of the brain migrates during pregnancy and is detached along with the placenta. *shrug* just now. i mean... really truly about two seconds ago. stepdad tore out his address from a piece of junkmail... and ate it....really?i mean. really?!
me: my cat is fat.the brother: You should make her swim. Get fit.me: yea... she would be most displeased and then she'd pee on my bed and scratch my eyes out. or she'd just look really pitiful and sink to the bottom.the brother: Are you sure it's a cat and not a pet rock? The feathers and parts of small fowl lead me to believe I adopted a chainsaw.(*editors note: the email chain's subject line changed from "AAAGH!" to "Bullshit" at which point i had to request it not be a word that could get me fired from my job [which if you think about it is funny since i'm quitting]. then my dearest brother changed it to "Bull-shido (formerly RE: AAAGH!) nagasaki enoki sato hiawatha!")(**editors note: let it also be noted that my brother held off naming his kitten until it had made its first kill, and thus began the fearful reign of tiberius ceasar the first, tormentor of souls, ravager of small woodland creatures. i made that tormentor of souls, ravager of small woodland creatures part up, but you have to admit, it has a nice ring to it.)
not really. but goodness me has it been a long day. it seems like this morning was yesterday. technically due to time zones it was. is. whatever.i'm now back in my old room at my old housemates apartment. weird. i was wandering around and i kept finding things from three years ago. still in the same spot i left it. still with the same contents securely kept inside.beyond weird.i'll keep you posted on the random exploits. though they won't be juicy. unless you think the image of me cleaning a grubby bathroom is juicy.and if you do. i don't want to know you anymore.
do you ever feel out of control? as if all the things you used to handle, are now insurmountable? simple things. like sleeping on the bed. and not the bathroom floor. like eating an actual meal. and not just drinking tea. like waking up in the morning. or taking a shower. or smiling.my grasp is slipping. i'm sleepwalking through my days. i sit in the corner of the couch. curled into myself. and watch the shadows taunt me as the sun dances out of reach.i thought i was covering it all so well. i thought only certain people could see the emptiness behind my eyes. but an acquaintance mentioned it last night. as we talked at the bar. me with my bottle of white wine. he with his draft beer. and the flicker of concern flashed across his face. and i knew he knew. panic. my friend. panic. my well rehearsed act faltered. the curtains came down. and i'm left on stage. and everyone knows how it should have ended. but i've forgotten my lines. it's these little things that send you out of control. these tiny truths. the fact that though you don't talk about it. everyone knows. you try to hide beneath your hair and makeup. but your sadness and shame shine right on through. your laughter is hollow. your heart trails after you. covered in dust.it's like being a leaf. i was once held up. attached to a strong oak. swaying in the breeze. but held. protected. then autumn came. and now. i float. alone. tossed this way and that. with no clear course. only the fear of landing.i have no strength to steer.
normally when you think of scotland, an image of grey bogs and misty moors comes to mind... that and men in skirts with giant hairy legs. *shudder* blech.anyway. scotland isn't the first place you would think of if you were asked to name a happy shiny locale. and yet. if you go look at the pictures. you'll think differently.check them out. oh and you can see me in a floofy white dress.
farewell. auf wiedersehen. goodbye.i feel like i've said this before. oh wait. i probably have.it's odd to be saying goodbye to this place i love so much... again. when i left the first time i never thought i'd be here on my own again. i always figured when i came back it'd be for good. i also thought i'd have my hunny with me. but i guess i should know better than to expect life to turn out how i want it.so i'm getting myself ready to go. i have a last hurrah today. brunch with the girls. it's finally setting in. that i fly today. that i'll be home. that i'll have to get a job again. i'll have to remember what it's like to be married. i'll have to remember how to live with someone. share the same room. the same space.i'm only now feeling nervous. but bless him, he's been feeling nervous for a couple of weeks. to be fair though. my nervous is more of an excited and happy nervous. where as i think his has been more of a proper omg nervous.wow. i'm going home.how strange.goodbye boston. goodbye brighton. goodbye cambridge. hello sleepy town in england.
please don't say it's over.but it is... isn't it?
i suppose i can't hide from it any longer. not that i was hiding per say. it was more of an ignoring it so i wouldn't stress out. plus i didn't want to jinx anything or cause any hassle.but it was building up. getting bigger. soon it would explode in a tangle of ribbon and taffeta. of silk covered buttons and lacy veils. i couldn't hide it anymore. and now it's only a sickeningly short bit away. before it was... "oh, next year..." now it's... "oh. oh god. this year. *gasp* in three months..." followed of course by the thud of my passing out onto the hard laminate flooring of the apartment i now share with English and the pod-cat.i guess some of you out there are scratching your heads saying "the hell?" or you're scratching your butts saying "gee, i sure dew lahk dem racooon fritters ma used to make..." but that's neither here nor there.i suppose i should explain.but explaining isn't nearly as much fun as rambling on and on. plus, if i explain i have to come full face to what's going on.*sigh*stresses.dresses.invitations.flowers.music.*eep*seating arrangements.*gulp*menus and decorations.*gasp*honeymoon?oh for the love of god...i'm getting married?!!*thud*
so i just finished filling in my application to go home. which is such a happy sentence. but of course now we come to the joy of payment.you may want to sit down.the price that i have the pleasure to pay?one thousand seven dollars.*gasp*this is only for the application. i'll still have to purchase tickets.*thud*that was the sound of my heart dropping at so much money.but it's worth it right? it's worth it to be able to wake up next to my husband. to be able to cuddle my kitten. to be able to say, i'm home.sigh.
my shoes are greeted by the raspy whispers of wind and fallen leaves. speaking quietly to each other. from the grey and cold. from the pavement. from the tarmac. from the frozen earth which slumbers.
the wake from my stride brings a flurry of conversation. the leaves admonishing my path over and through them. the wind shushing the complaints and soothing the golden blanket back down onto the concrete bed.
i smile as the brisk air caresses my cheeks as my mother used to. brushing my hair gently out of my face. rubbing my forehead. and placing a single kiss upon my hairline.
my eyes are heavy with the season. the almond shapes are full of trees turning red. of dark berries hanging pregnantly from barren trees. of crimson and burgundy ornaments dotting the hedgerows. they are bitter and sour parcels awaiting harvest and sugar to unlock their rich flavor. forgotten now by a generation of children fed by industrial meals and conformity.
i do not have enough space in my arms to save all these riches. i am no budha with the universe in my mouth. but i can keep a photo of them. the knowledge of them. their presence fills my soul and brightens my smile.
i let this truth slip into the air. my lungs force it out. urging the world to know. to wonder. to sleep. to wake.
i walk on.
i'd like to introduce you to my new friends...gin.vermouth.and an olive.stirred. never shaken.delish.
happy birthday to me. happy birthday to me. happy birthday dear wendykat! happy birthday to me!thirty.sigh.
today is our three week anniversary. three weeks of being married. our wedding was held on our two year anniversary. so today is 2 years and 2 weeks of being blissfully happy. i know the math looks off. but take into account any days where we weren't blissfully happy and it all makes sense.regardless today is a mini anniversary. you could say i'm stretching for any reason to celebrate. marking tiny milestones. making a mountain out of a molehill. and i would say that any reason to make a special dinner for my husband is reason enough.today is fresh king prawns and squid paella. to be followed by a frozen lemon custard in meringue nests with raspberry coulis.i love my husband. and i'll love him even if i make him fat.
the sky is a portrait today.brushstrokes deftly skitter across the canvas of our horizon.a watercolor painting.each hue melding and melting.clouds heavy with color.full of rain. capture the setting sun.only to let it fall again in crimson drops upon the quiet city.
- hippies. i know technically i am one. but i still don't understand the perpetual look of stonedness, the dreadlocks, the joblessness, the flipflops as an all occasion footwear choice, and the high stench of ideals.
- why people in the bay area wear flipflops in winter AND bundle up in fleeces and scarves. surely the way to stay warm in this situation is to wear actual shoes! *note: see above
- babies as fashion accessories. i saw a man wearing his child like it was part of his outfit. his blazer and trouser combo was really set off by the bouncing bundle of poo and germs.
- big dudes with tiny... dogs.
- vegans. i just... i just i can't even start talking about this one for fear my head will asplode.
- three dollar one year warranties.
- coupons for ten bucks off if you spend over forty.
- refrigerated bread. it goes stale faster people!
- how ryan seacrest, rachel ray, emeril lagasse, mario batali, jeremy kyle, and paris hilton haven't all had their faces punched in yet.
- why i have to be in this country when my husband is in another.
books. movies. stories. songs. myths. history...they all say love conquers all.but when is love not enough?when you both feel it. when you both love. but there is distance. and the string that held you two together is stretched. far. over an ocean. over months.and then. it isn't enough. those familiar feelings. they grow faint. until all that is left is a little niggling in the pit of your stomach. a small squirming semblance of what was. it just causes you to feel upset that things aren't the same. to worry about the other love. the love that is still strong. but it isn't yours. it's the one you are no longer tethered to.then what?do you pull the string taut. tighter still? until it snaps like a rubber band. or do you gently hold the string. and pull yourself closer? in tiny steps. allowing the string to contract. to grow stronger. shorter. until you are again side by side?when is love enough? to truly conquer man?
so hard for it hunny....wait. that sounds dirty.i got a job. granted it's only a temp job for 3 weeks. but still. i can earn money. and then. oh and then the things i can buy!first thing on my list is a wii.i know. i'm such a gamer girl.
woot!
fuck it.it could just be the red wine talking. or the oppressive depression. but really.fuck it.since i got married i've gained like 20 to 30 pounds.since i got married i've got about 3 extra grey hairs.since i got married i've been happier than i've ever been.since i got married... i've cried more than i've ever cried.it's not really fair. in comparison. it isn't.i tried sleeping just now. but i can't. i'm still too pissed off about the whole thing. i have too much going on in my head.i think i'll curl up on a couch.alone.so as not to wake anyone with my crying.
