Saturday, December 10, 2011


it's been raining for 3 days straight.

last night in the car the roommates girlfriend asked aloud "how long is it gonna rain for?..."

the answer of course was 38 more days and nights.

the ever present sirens of the urban neighborhood have been multiplied.

our sweet tempered charles river has swollen into an angry teenager.

as much as i curse that evil hill i must climb every day to get to our house.

i'm very thankful for it on days like these.

we'll be an island soon.

i should break out my coconut bra.

is it?


it's like some sort of diplomatic meeting.

he on one side.

me on the other.

small steps towards peace and disarmament?

Friday, December 9, 2011

home and tired

never again. oh icelandair. never. again.

worst airline evar. delays in boston. delays in glasgow. super late arrival in london.

whatever. i'm home now. and though i haven't done my marathon sleep. i've come close. went to bed at 10. woke up at noon.

so here we are. home in england. husband is at work. i'm still trying to wake up. contemplating a cup of tea.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

things to note...

working at a school which focuses on musical talent is very depressing when you lost most of your singing range from lack of use.

reeses peanut butter cups are better than most things on offer.

a pair of geese can bully eight other geese off their turf with much honking, head waggling, and many ruffled feathers.

people often worry that they are offending you when they say "you look nice today" because it implies all the other days they saw you, they thought you looked like crap.

scotch tape makes excellent on-the-job bandaids for papercuts.

cushions for your shoes only help alleviate pain if you aren't standing in heels for over 7 hours a day.

temping is a really fulfilling job. you get to meet people. and you get to leave them before they start to piss you off.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

it's official...

i have turned into my mother. not my mom now. but my mom from when i was a kid.

i just spent the last hour doing my hair and makeup. for why? i wasn't even sure if i'd have a job today. so why get all dolled up like i did?

just in case.

that's one of those things my mom always said when i asked her why she puts on make up and does her hair when we're only going to the supermarket.

just in case.

was her usual response. in case we see someone we know. or in case we see someone we don't know.

it's as if she was telling me you never want to venture out of doors completely naked. you have to always put something on. you have to make the effort.

so i find myself. fully dressed. hair dried and curled tantalizingly at the ends. makeup done to my normal standard which takes about ten painstaking minutes. then i check myself in a mirror. about a dozen times.

i'd say that's plenty of effort in order to sit on my duff all day and watch tv.

i might make a trip to the grocery store. just to make it worth while.

the road...

we walk along. hands brushing each other. the space between both close and eons away.

a step. a pause.

a fork in the road.

to the left... the path descends. there are few bumps. few places to stop and fight. the way is shrouded in mist and a heavy darkness. the path is small. only allowing for one to pass at a time. single file. one. alone.

the other path. wider. but slightly uphill. a few bends in the road. and the path is hidden. but somewhere. everywhere. the path is bathed in light. and because it is uphill... the view is all the more worth the effort.

which do you chose?

Monday, December 5, 2011


forget brrr-ritan. it was 21 degrees when i landed today (that's minus 6 degrees to you brits). good lord this trip is gonna be cold. i think it's now down to 6 degrees. i don't even know what that is in celcius. cold. fucking cold.

but it's nice to see everyone again!

missing piece...

do you ever feel empty? as if a part of you were excluded? as though a significant slice of your whole had been left out? a wedge that was torn from your being and you are only a glimmer of what you once were. a shadow. a phantom. an unfinished sculpture.

a paragraph short of a novel.

i at least have the luxury of knowing where my missing piece is. safe and secure. on a different continent. a different time zone. may as well be a different planet.

the path is set. not in stone. but in words. words yet to be written. to be typed. folded into an envelope. and sent to government lackeys. words to be verified. authorized. initialed. and stamped.

i am empty. no amount of spoken words. no amount of handwritten conversations. can fill this void. there is a spot in my arms that is cold. the warmth is yet to return. i've a lonely space in my bed. i'm sure there is a twin vacuum on the other side of the world.

it's not just my piece that's missing.

i want to be home.

i want to go home.

to pick up the missing pieces. and slot them gently back where they belong.

we're puzzles. interlocking limbs are meant to join. to show the bigger picture. to tell a story.

to have and to hold.

richer and poorer.

sickness. and health.

and nothing shall ever part.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

told ya so!

because i have the maturity level of a 5 year old who has just ingested her weight in sugar or the maturity level of a 12 year old in a pg 13 film or the maturity level of this guy, i figured to prove the point and once again show that us ah-merr-kens ain't as dumb as what ya'll think we is...

i give you all...
the fastest growing grass.

yes. i have harnessed the magic(k)al technologies of grass-growology... uhm. and.. uhhh... stuff.

Figure1: saturday morning. seeds planted on tuesday.

Figure2: saturday evening. wine was not used as fertilizer.

Figure3: sunday morning.

Figure4: sunday evening.

Figure5: monday evening. the grass seems to enjoy traveling around the house.

so there! phblt!

love is...

...heading to the store for a 4 pack of beer for your hunny to go with dinner because it's been over a week since we had any in the house.

...when he gets home and quite excitedly tells you that he bought beer for you.

...and you reply, well i bought beer for you!

we are so meant for each other.


everyone has their up days and their down days. obviously not everyone posts their roller-coaster emotions. but then. i've never been like everyone.

i've always been quick to temper. just on the edge of any given emotion at any given time. happy one moment. melting into tears the next.

i've always feared i would end up in some sort of psych ward. buckled down and medicated. the last vestiges of sanity ripped away by anti-psychotics and bleached walls.

last night was not one of my best. i've had to sweep away my shattered self this morning. i felt the familiar heat of embarrassment creep into my cheeks as i saw my anger and depression laid out before me.

i overcompensated today. i laughed too loudly. smiled too often. tried to exorcise my feelings.

i'm sure i failed miserably. i'm sure the weakness shone through my eyes. barely filtering through the haze of pretended happiness.

maybe tomorrow will actually be an up day. or perhaps it will be more of the same.

i'll just have to wait and see i suppose.

and in the meantime. i should lock away all the breakables.

i miss what was. but what's more... i miss what can be.

i miss what was. but what's more... i miss what can be.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

the trials of temping...

temping in an office consisting of four... FOUR people. one of which had a corner of his office full of packing supplies and feathers. like a creepy little nest. which he actually napped in. and after i was told to clean it up (while he was gone) he came back... looked for his "things"... then went and collected one of the newly packed bags of styrofoam peanuts to use as a pillow. weird.

but i've organized. i've sorted. i've smooshed boxes. and i have even vacuumed. it's nice and clean now.

oh and there is free coffee, pizza, and many delish snacks to be had. poo for diets.

but i'm allowing myself this bag of fritos. because the office is on the second floor. and i've had to drag many boxes down to the dumpster... which involved climbing back up those stairs. about ten times today.

so yeah. screw you calories!

mmmm... nom nom nom.

Friday, December 2, 2011


good golly it's cold. windy. overcast. drizzly. and did i mention it's cold?

Thursday, December 1, 2011


i am totally married.



curled upon the couch. remembering the womb. tucked inside myself. a knot of pain. sits within my chest.

watching the sky. the liquid motions of cloud against grey-blue. the sun trying desperately to be seen. like a too small child among adults. clinging to coat tails. wishing for height. longing to join the laughter. i exhale an empty breath. and with it, i send the sun my understanding. your day will come. perhaps tomorrow. do not stop shining. do not stop singing. your voice is muffled but never silenced.

i watch the drops fall from the pregnant sky. heavy laden and straining against it's boundaries. eventually the seams will burst. and a cacophony of weather will beat down upon us. forcing us indoors. into cars. into each others arms. into each others orbits. into each others eyes.

my book lies unread. my tears remain unshed. i've turned my back to the inner world. i'm just going to sit here. and look out.

perhaps the suns song will reach me today.

if not now. then some other day.