Tuesday, January 10, 2012

it's love when...

...you clean the house top to bottom.

...you put together a beautiful dinner featuring his favo(u)rite foods.

...you create a decadent dessert reminiscent of a favo(u)rite desserterie in the town where you met.

...you make sure when he comes home you are ironing his work shirts in high heels, lacy panties, and a sheer 50's apron.

...he asks you to take off the carefully picked outfit in exchange for a ratty old t-shirt, socks, and normal underwear because "you're gorgeous just as you are."

i love him.

Monday, January 9, 2012

'tis the season...

this christmas is extra special. it's the last one i'll spend in the states for a while. i'm moving. far far away.

to a land where the natives talk funny. where they drive on the wrong side of the road. and they add extra letters into(u) wordes.

i'm immigrating. i got my shiny visa in my passport. i have tickets. i have things to ship. things to give away.

it's scary.

but it's here. it's finally-actually-really-honest-to-goodness here.

surreal. perhaps that's a better word for how i'm feeling.

it's like, you plan and plan. think and think. but it's an event far in the future. until...


it hits you. it's here.

it's no longer in the future. it's tomorrow. it's now.

and soon enough. it'll be yesterday.


tomorrow is when it becomes real. when he steps off that plane. when we celebrate this, our last christmas is boston. for in 2 weeks...

we fly.

i've always loved flying.

fuck it

everything blows today. it's been one of those weeks. i'm not supposed to let it get to me. and for the most part it's not. but every once in a while i want scream and cry and break lots of things into tiny little bits.

so thanks. i'm sure you're quite happy with yourself.

now just go fuck off.

Saturday, January 7, 2012


today after work i went out with a couple of friends from the office.

i shared a bottle of wine.

then i had a pint.

then a half of cider.

now. normally i'd be fine.

but today was no a normal day.

i hadn't eaten.

the husband picked me up from the pub. i promptly went to bed. and slept for two hours.

now, we were meant to go out to a nice romantic dinner. upon waking me up my husband was met with tears. and tears. and more tears. i felt awful. sick and sick and just not well at all.

he tucked me back into bed. went out to the restaurant and explained that his wife was ill and would not be able to come out for dinner.

the restaurant (which is a pub and wine bar we often frequent, where our adorable gay neighbor works) was very kind and sent him home with his dinner uncooked so he could pop it in the oven at home and take care of me. they also sent him home with a bottle of wine.

i love this town.

i love my husband. even though i feel ill, he has been sweet and understanding.

i feel like crap for ruining our dinner. but he is so sweet that i almost don't notice that i've ruined it.

empty shroud

i feel guilty. for my emotions. for my behavior. for my shortcomings. for my dreams. for myself.

i feel sad. for the loss. for the months. for the years. for the days. for the upset. for you.

i am empty. my throat constricts with every breath. my heart jumps to a stop before slowly beating again. my lungs wilt and freeze. the cold panic runs from my head to my toes.

my shroud of despair hangs above. i fear it's descent. but i welcome the silence it will bring. the silence to my stricken heart.

the quiet stopper to my tears.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

i love this place

if ever i doubted that i had made the right choice in moving to this country... this would make me realize that there is no place i'd rather be. than here. in quaint little middle england.

to and fro

sometimes i feel like a storm. ignore the usual cliche of emotion. the turmoil of femininity. the raging thunder of minority. or the cloudy days of anxiety and melancholy.

i feel more like a tornado.

swirling above. rushing in one direction. changing course. defying logic. unknown. untempered.

i push forward on one side. i lift upwards on another.

hopscotching from one town to the next.

i can leave a trail of destruction.

or simply wander in a field. moseying along. biding my time. until i tire. and leave.

i don't know whether it's good or bad.

does it really matter.

i am what i am.

go where i go.

i land. i leave.

forever to.

i am chaos. i am gentle.

wherever i go.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


new laptop.



her name is george. don't look at me like that. just accept it.

and no. i didn't chose it based off the model name. honest.

no really. i swear i didn't.


maybe just a little.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

the joy of fridge diving...

take one hungry kat (on a diet no less)... add a nearly empty fridge...

find one beef hot dog. slice 1/3 off. slice the 1/3 piece in half lengthwise. cut a triangle from the flat cut piece... you now have a fishy. make small slices in the surface to look like scales and a gill then repeat with the other half. take the remaining 2/3 piece and slice lengthwise up to 1/2 inch from the rounded top. rotate and slice the halves lengthwise. now slice each of the 4 "legs" in half. you now have an octopus. place both the fishies and the octopod onto a microwave plate. nuke for 20 seconds. they will curl and all the decorative slices will "pop".

find one egg. mix with a dash of soy sauce and a sprinkle of sugar. pour into hot pan and swirl until the egg mixture is thin and nearly cooked. starting at one side of the pan roll the eggy crepe. roll it like carpet or a newspaper. after each roll flatten the top until you have a long rectangle. remove from heat and slice into smaller rectangles or triangles.

find some celery and scallions. take a few leaves from the celery. and the green bit from one scallion. slice the scallion into 3 or 4 lengths. slice these lengths (but don't cut all the way on only one side) into thin ribbons. you now have a "grassy tuft"

find rice. make rice.

find carrot. slice carrot into thin rounds and cut the rounds to resemble flowers.

find frozen peas. nuke frozen peas for 10 seconds until no longer frozen.

now... assemble.

put rice on a plate. spread out until plate is covered. unravel some of the eggy crepe. place on the bottom 1/3 of rice like sand and coral. place the celery leaves and scallion "grass" in and around the "sand" place the fishies above the sand on the top 1/3 of the plate. place the octopod on the sand near the bottom 1/3 of the plate. place carrot flowers around the celery and scallions. place the peas around the fish and octopod like little air bubbles.

now laugh like a maniac and show your creation to your roomate.

wait for roomate to pat you on the head.

because clearly you're crazy.

in all... about 500-600 calories.

and i'm still at my calorie intake for the day.


Sunday, January 1, 2012

the day before

today is the day before. before the goodbye. before the flight. before the broken heart.

i woke up early. in order to see him as much as possible. to curl up with him on the couch. to feel his heartbeat against my ear. to try and fool myself that i'm not leaving again.

it's been 4 weeks. it feels like 4 hours. it's gone too fast. i should have made it last longer. i should have lingered more. woke up sooner every day to spend the precious few moments together.

i've spend several sleepless nights. just next to him. listening to him breathe. watching him sleep. curled into him before sleep takes me. and i wake alone. i can hear him quietly rustling through the flat. his normal routine. upset now because of my presence.

we're married singles at the moment. we have our own routines. we have our own way of doing things. we have our lives that we live. and in due course we'll have the joy of fitting our lives together again.

but that's to come.

right now. i just want for today to stay.

and for tomorrow to go way.


i always find it funny that the first thing in a new house which requires my cleaning is always the bathroom. i spent about 2 hours scrubbing, brushing, wiping and spraying it this morning. i have sensitive hands now from all the chemicals and hot water. but the result? so totally worth it.

i think it has not been cleaned since i left. 3 years ago.

seriously. gag. toilet. ugh. ew.

why are boys so gross?

i mean. do they not see it? are they immune? do they have toilet seat blinders on?

and ew. shower. i had to scrub it before i could even set foot in it.

sigh. tomorrow it will be the kitchen.

then i think i'll tackle the back hallway and stairs. so much dust. so much doggy hair.

luckily he cleaned my room before i moved in. he even inflated the bed and gave me clean linens and an electric blanket in case i got cold. i love this dude who is like my other brother. except, he and i can talk about things that i can not even begin to imagine discussing with my brother.

it's nice to be back. weird. hairy. dusty. and gross.

but mostly nice.