Thursday, November 11, 2010


turkey hangover.


i am a real employee now. like a pinocchio. i am a real person. a live girl.


got a job folks. i'm a permanent employee.


i. rock.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

weddings and roses...

despite my current frame of mind. i'm working on a wedding. for a dear friend. almost a blonde counterpart to my dark haired neurosis. where as i am only now accepting my female-ness. and all things pink. she's always been a proper girly girl.

as such. her cake is a tribute to the female condition.

pink. and gold. and butterflies. and roses.

the wedding date will soon be upon us. and i've still got far too much to do.

working a 9-5. and working on pulling myself out of a spiral of depression. a wedding cake is not really the first thing i would think to do at this time. but i can't let her down.

and what is it they say about idle hands?

they cramp up after piping 5 dozen icing roses?

yes. yes they do.

Monday, November 8, 2010


surprisingly not too hungover. i made it to and through a full day of work. i was of course helped along by several cups of sweet coffee and hot chocolate.

i enjoyed a quiet lunch with the girls.

the sun was out.

the birds are singing.

and if it weren't for the oppressive weight of my heart. i'd say today wasn't too bad.

lessons take a long time to learn i suppose. that or sometimes you just need to get piss drunk and sing showtunes until midnight.

potato. potahtoe.

except i still don't want to call the whole thing off.

Sunday, November 7, 2010


stupid volcano. if you so much as even sputter again between now and when i fly home to the uk... so help me. i can't be held accountable for my actions against you.

stupid volcano.

stupid ash.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

travelling back in time...

so i'm back at the museum/antique store that is my mom's current living situ. staying here is like going back in time. it's as if once i walk through the doors i've somehow entered into a house shaped delorean. all i need is for doc to help me figure out why they hell i'm here.

it's a strange sensation. being an adult. but at the same time being a child.

this morning. as i tried to catch up on sleep. i could hear the motherly shuffling of wakefulness just outside my door. i could all but see her twinkling eyes and diminutive frame. quietly at first she whispers... are you awake? are you awake yet? then as if out of a james brown song she gets a little bit louder now... you're not awake yet? a 'lil louder na-ah... are you awake?

finally as i pull the covers over my head and quietly say a prayer to the gods of sleep and patience she wanders into the other room.

later after i've rolled out of bed and poured a cup of coffee into my system they are readying themselves for a quick jaunt out to the market. i'm surfing the web and catching up on life outside of this time capsule. my mom, full of worry and fretfulness, says to me... don't answer the door for anyone unless it's your cousin or your uncle. there are a lot of counterfeit police...

oh dear. i should also state that in this little corner of the world. it's pretty safe. maybe not as much as 10 years ago. but it's safer than some places i've lived in. suburbia is pretty clean and plastic coated if you catch my drift.

but most importantly. i've lived on my own for 3 years. i'm 30 years old. i do stay out after the sun sets for crying out loud.

i suppose all rationality goes out the window once you pop a couple of sprouts out of your lady bits.

but really.



quote of the day:

(in a defensive manner)

she's not jewish! she's a lesbian!

well, that's us told. best argument evar.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

a foundation of salt

open wounds don't heal. when covered over in salt. compressed and painted. playing make believe doesn't mend a cut.

i fear i'm closing down. i want to remain open. to keep my chin up. my spirits high. to keep plowing forward. hopeful. and vulnerable.

and there it is.


in my head my voice is screaming. pounding my fists against my thick skull. it isn't going to work. it never does. give up. give in. don't bother fighting. just lay down. cover yourself in gauze. wrap yourself in armor. and sleep.

but in my heart. the smallest of me is wishing. crying. ever hopeful. ever naive. ever loving. maybe this time. maybe. if i just. if i were. i could. i could try. to be more. to be less. to be what everyone wants. to be what one wants.

my head is louder. my heart is sad.

nothing ever works out as it should. i should know better. i should know not to expect. if you never expect for much. your heart won't be broken.

everything is still unsaid.

but my head believes one scenario is coming. and my heart is growing quiet.

my hope is built on shaky ground.

the dry and hollow foundation of my heart.