Tuesday, October 12, 2010


sometimes you just get a hankering for something. so at 11 at night you decide to get the ball rolling.

i'm making soft pretzels tomorrow.

i love not having any restraint when it comes to cravings.

Monday, October 11, 2010

not mastercard*...

firstly i want to say "the hell? why did i chose one of the more blurry pictures from last night?" oh right. because i was drunk. and it apparently blurry is how my world looks after a few free cosmos.

in any case, these are surprisingly clear pictures of last night. things to note:
i am wearing makeup.
the smooth clarity of my drunk picture.
the fact that i'm damn hawt. i am. shut it.
that my friend goosed me, spilled cosmo on my tah-tahs, and i don't have a stained shirt.
oh and that i got compliments on my entire outfit... which you can't see, because i took the lovely purple jacket off. meh.

one more fun thing to note...

watch out england. i just got approved*.

you'll be seeing a lot more of this dirty stop-out in the near future.

* if you are wondering why it's not mastercard... it's because it's a visa baby!

the best laid plans...

the other night we stayed up a little later than usual. it was the end of a weekend and my darling hubby didn't need to be at work until 9am. you see the next morning would be the start of a new job. his first day. and seeing as we live all of a 5 minute (if you are him) or 10 minute (if you're as slow as me) walk away, he could wake up at 8 and still be in on time to work.

so all nestled in bed. lights off. the blankets all warm and cozy. i drift off to sleep. there i am. all snug as a bug in a rug... bug? bug? oh god almighty there is a bug on me! i brush it off my arm onto the floor. now, keep in mind i'm blind without my glasses. my world is a blur. so here i am. in bed. breathing heavily as i've been woken up by a creepy crawly on my arm. and i can't see a thing.

where is it? where is it? do i get up and turn on the light? no, no, that would wake the man. and then he'd look at me with his pretty blue eyes all crinkled from the sudden blinding light and he'd whine. or worse. he'd call me a dork.

so i sit there. trying to covertly scan the blurred room for the bug. i don't want to get up. it might attack my toes. finally, now that i'm awake, i have the pressing urge on my bladder. phooey. now i have to get up and risk a guerrilla attack on my precious toes.

i finish up in the bathroom and open the door back into the bedroom. now, the bathroom is an "en suite" meaning it's part of the bedroom. it's so part of the bedroom i can take one step from my side of the bed and be in the bathroom. so as i open the door the light comes spilling out. i take advantage of this slightly diffused lighting to try and find the bug. no luck. i stand up from my crouching bug killing stance. and there, there are those pretty eyes all crinkled at me.

i explain that there's a bug. he gets up. shakes the bedspread. watches as i inspect every corner of the room. then gets back into bed.

i find no bug.

i go back to bed. so here's an interesting tidbit about me. once i wake up in the morning (even early, early, why the fuck am i awake morning) i start to sneeze. i sniffle. my nose drips. i get all congested and miserable. and to make matters worse, my allergy pills just ran out. so i am in bed, trying to go back to sleep, sniffling, sneezing, and still looking out for a bug.

and then? buzz. buzz. tink. tink. buzz. it's on the window. we jump up. can't find it. sniffle. sneeze. drip. drip. trip to the bathroom for toilet paper to mop up my nose. sniffle. sigh.

back i fall into sleep.

and then he's out of bed. rustling with the bedside lamp. and there. there is the bug. one of those nasty black beetles. the kind that is surprisingly strong for a beetle. the ones where you try to get as much paper towel between you and it as possible, and even then you can feel it's icky hard shell and prickly little nasty legs. and those legs are strong. they burrow into the carpet so you feel as if you are trying to prise a chubby 7 year old away from the bakery counter at lardy's-r-us.

i digress.

he got the beetle. crunched it in some toilet tissue, which i then dutifully flushed down the toilet.

and back to sleep we went.

i think he got about 5-6 hours of sleep.

return of the angry

so yea. in case you haven't been aware of the situation with my visa it's basically this:
- in july, apply for renewal of uk visa.
- in september find out that visa agency will not expedite and can not guarantee when the visa (and our passports) will be returned.
- also in september is my best friends wedding (hence the need for our passports).
- the week before our planned flight to the usa in september we are told by the visa agency that our options are to not attend the wedding and await for an unknown time for our visa to be processed OR to cancel the application and lose out on the 400 quid we paid in order to receive our passports. awesome.
- october 2nd, the date that we were supposed to return together after our trip to california for my friends wedding. husband flies out alone as i don't have a visa to return home with him.
- from october to december, much crying, much trying to figure out which country we want to live in, one failed attempt to re-apply for the visa, two interviews in london for the husband, one half filled in green card application for the husband, unemployment for me, indecision, changed plans, and many frayed nerves on both sides of the world for ALL involved...
- mid-december, i use the money that was lent to me for my visa by my dad to visit my husband for christmas.
- december to early january. i forget how it is to sleep alone. i wake up in the middle of the night next to my husband. bliss.
- january, husband and i decide (finally) on a course of action. i'll be returning to the uk. we'll move to london. i need to return to cali (which was always the case anyway) to apply for the visa.

for the time in cali i've been staying with my friend. rent free. though not guilt free. i have no job. i can't contribute monetarily. so i cook instead. i try to help out by helping with the back garden. i clean. i do laundry. i try to stay out of the way. they're newlyweds. i shouldn't be there. i try to teach her how to stretch meals. how to check the pantry before going shopping. how to check the fridge before shopping. how to keep foods costs down by planning meals with what you've already got in the house. by planning for leftovers. i collect them from the airport. i try so hard to be unobtrusive. but my guilt is oppressive.

my guilt is twofold. i've not had steady work. i've not looked hard enough. my husband alone. he's been struggling. trying to handle the same amount of debt with less the income. i'm not there. i can't help. i'm not working. i'm not working hard enough on working. he's had to sell stuff. he's going to move to smaller flat. he's got to rent a room with a friend in london. it's cheaper than living here where we are. he want's to live in london for a while. it's a big city. it's a chance. it's a change. it'll be an adventure. and i'll join him there. i'm apprehensive of course. large cities and i don't mix. but it's exciting. it's london. it's opportunity. it's diversity... it's terrifying.

but it's with him. the man i married. the man i swore i'd be by his side forever. and for 3 long horrible months i've not.

but the guilt.

the burden.

and to have someone i care about... presume that the changes in plans... that the indecision... that all the delays and trepidation is about something more... something else. something sinister? another woman? trouble in the marriage? that somehow i'm dragging them into this... this possible marital stress? this IMAGINED marital stress.

i've found my angry again.

bubbling and roiling. rising to the surface. overflowing into tears. becoming tangible in heat rolling off my body. changing and twisting my guilt into rage.

ask no questions. guess and presume. gossip and whisper amongst yourselves. bring your own insecurities into my despair. thanks so much.

apparently i'm that kind of person. that people can't ask me what's going on. without already having their own version of events. and when i explain multiple times. ignore my answers. and ask again. to ignore my explanation again. and again. so the true picture is hidden.

i'm not that vague. i'm not a closed book. i don't lie. i don't give half truths. i say it as it is. so how can i be misconstrued? i don't sugar coat things. yes there has been a lack of concrete information. not ALL things can be planned. not everything can go according to my plan. or your plan. or some cosmic schedule.

life is life. we make our way. we negotiate a path in an ever changing landscape.

believe me when i say this wasn't in my plan. i really, REALLY would rather things be different. but they're not. i made one choice 3 months ago. i thought it was the right one. and it's becoming increasingly difficult in these past few days to justify that decision. i'm angry. so my words are more sharp than they need be. my actions are more rash than perhaps a rational person would consider.

life is life.

we make our way.

i'll negotiate my path. i can see the landscape laid out ahead.

i can see it transforming.

cliffs. mountains. deep gorges and valleys.

it's going to be shit.

but i think me and my anger will make it through.

i can't say the same for some.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


to be.

or not to be?

or is it. to love. or not to love.

what is love?

do you chose? is it a conscious choice? or is it one of those things that simply happens? and therefore. is it one of those things. that can simply un-happen?

i don't want to go. to leave this place. this little part of britain i've come to consider home.

but it's an option isn't it?

i don't know what to do anymore.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

the reason she is my sister...

excerpt from an email:

"...The one with the wrought iron spiderweb gate and the fountain and the glass windows in the wood fence? I dream about that place, or someplace very similar to it. I dream of one day living in such a place, and seeing the faces of curious children peeping through, and perhaps one day I will open the gate and let one in and roast it...oh, wait, that's not how fairy tales go, do they? Wait, that IS how fairy tales go. I'll have to get a cauldron, just in case."

yes. we are so frighteningly similar at times.

i [heart] you nammikins!

Saturday, October 2, 2010

better than not...

no tears. hopeful words. tenderness creeps past the awkwardness.

it's like getting to know someone again. trying not to be too intense.

gentle hands and looks. tumbling over my body and my heart.

it's better than nothing.

and it's a start.

Friday, October 1, 2010

dieting dieting...

it's weird. struggling with weight. i've always had an inflated image of myself. a bloated image. it's always been bigger... my reflection in the mirror. and as such i've always looked the same to myself. i've always looked big. so now... being a bit bigger than i was three years ago... it's weird. i know i am. i know that three years ago i was much more slender. it's obvious when i look back. when i look at pictures.

but my face. the thing i see every day. so many times a day. in every bathroom mirror. in every store window. it's always looked the same.

so now. i'm dieting. for real. i actually walk the 40 minutes to work every day. i hustle it home by foot if i can. i'm counting calories. which is saddening. i'm a cook. i love food. so to limit myself. it's like trying to turn a switch off. a switch that springs back to place every 5 minutes.

but i'm seeing results.

i'm actually going to sleep at the same weight i woke up at. which boggles my mind. i mean... i am still eating. i still have snacks... healthy snacks. i eat two actual meals a day. it's two because i can't face food in the morning. it's always been the way. i can eat an actual brekkie on weekends at ten or later. but on weekdays... meh. a smoothie or random asian cereal-tea-porridgy thing is all i can handle at 7am.

so i'm not starving. yea. i'm hungry. but i'm not going to gnaw my arm off any time soon.

if only the weight would shift faster... my hips are a swaying people.

and i would definately like some fries with my shake.

you know what i'm sayin' ?