Tuesday, July 12, 2011


living apart from my husband is weird. it's been *counts on fingers* five and a half months that we've been apart. we did see each other over christmas. but that was in itself a whole different kind of weird. i mean. i went to visit my husband. my husband. you don't visit your husband. unless of course he's in jail and it's one of them awkward conjugal visits in a sleazy trailer.

which, judging by our last conversation, isn't the case. he's still working. and he's not stamping out license plates in the local jail house. though i reckon if he was he'd be so dapper and cute in his jumpsuit and i bet they have tea breaks and everything.

that odd scenario aside...

we're married. been married for nearly three years. but we're kinda just seeing each other now. i mean. we talk everyday if we can. for about half an hour. only half an hour. but he's so busy. and our conversations all are about how work was. and our routines are so basic and well, boring. plus when we talk. when we talk. it's his afternoon and my morning. so i haven't even started the day. i don't have any interesting anecdotes at seven in the morning. all i can talk about is how i slept at a weird angle because at some point during the night my fuzzy bedmate has migrated into the center of the bed causing me to move around him and get a crick in my neck.

and all he has to tell me is about meetings. so many meetings. he's a manager. i presume that's what managers do. they meet. with people. and talk. about stuff? *head tilt*

during the weekends i try to get out and see people. as does he.

so right now. in this instant. we're like strangers. two people. with a little in common (wedding rings and a looming anniversary). we both live our separate lives. i even catch myself sometimes. thinking... "oh, well when he comes to visit i'll show him this place and we can go eat here..." but i have to stop. and remember. there is no visiting. we're not dating. i don't really live here. this is just a stopping point. this is a five month layover on my journey back to the uk. i have a life. it's been put on hold. the pause button firmly pressed down. except. that it hasn't paused. we've both been going about our daily business.

have we grown apart? does absence make the heart grow fonder?

i ask. because of a recent conversation. (i apologize now hun for putting this out here)... but he said he didn't sleep well... had a lot on his mind you know. busy at work. lots to do. and maybe he's a little nervous about me returning.



i don't understand. and i want to understand. maybe it's misplaced or misdiagnosed anxiousness about my return? maybe he's excited but it's a nervous excited? is it because we've been living apart for five months? so now it's like we have to start all over again?

hi. i'm natalie. i think you're cute. wanna get married?

and of course. being a girl. and i just found out that being an aquarius makes me more likely to be very emotional. who woulda thunk? i'm freaking out.

clearly i'm going back to the uk. i don't think it's anything so strange that i wouldn't go home. i'm pretty sure if something really odd happened he'd have told me don't come back... or at the very least we need to talk. but that hasn't happened. and i hate that the insecurity and doubts from someone else is now flooding into my body. that the crazy suggestion from someone who doesn't even know the whole story is coloring my view. two months ago i would never have even given the idea a second thought. in fact, two months ago i was very upset that anyone had given the idea a thought (never mind the fact they actually voiced it to me). *fist shake*

but here i am.

my leg is in constant nervous motion. i've pilfered my roommates cigarettes more than once today. and the bottles of rum on top of the fridge are looking mighty tempting.

is it just this weird limbo we're in? is it delayed irritation for the months of my unemployment? is it the weight that i'm trying to shift. is it the weird last two weeks of my four week holiday that we spent together? is it work? is it absence? is it me?

you do want me to come home right? don't you?

because i do. so desperately.

i'm empty. i'm halved. i'm nearly translucent.

i don't want to be a stranger.

i miss being yours.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

more ups and downs

frustrated. tired. lonely. and aching.

i try to be optimistic. i strive to keep a positive outlook. but i can't begin to hope or expect. the moment i do it all goes downhill.

i play out dialogue in my head. i pretend everything is working out to plan.

but it doesn't. the words i want to hear are unsaid. the gestures i long to see and feel are memories fading.

but the tears and the ache are real.

painfully real.

i fight an internal battle every moment of every day. i fight against my nature to run. i fight my heart and it's desire to freeze. i defy my head calling it quits. i ignore the voice in my mind which says i should give up. i fight the urge to fight.

it's been over a month. this internal war. waging in my tired body.

only a month.

and i want to wait.

but i'm so tired.

i see the white flag in the corner.

i don't even have the strength to lift it.

the hour long visits. early morning emails. a visit here and there. the constantly empty house no longer a home.

i'm dying. slowly suffocating under the weight of my emotions. under the heft of my hope.

but i can't make the decision. and i despair at the thought of it being made for me.

i no longer have the ability to look forward. towards a future which once seemed so clear.

i'm despondent.

i can't hope for anyone to love this strange creature which i've become.

small. withered. empty. and hollow.

i want to give in.

i may as well give up.

you win.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

crafty maccrafterson


one of my homemade cards...

get it? it's a belated birthday card.

oh. i slay me.

Friday, July 8, 2011

last meal

so i'm planning the last meal i'll make for my husband (and my neighbor).

starter: roasted chicken breast with black pudding, broad beans, and a buerre blanc. [edited twice since original posting]

main: pan seared lemon sole served with with sauteed potatoes, green beans, and a caper butter sauce.

dessert: chocolate mousse with raspberries and oat-y biscuits. [edited since original posting]

i kinda feel like the chocolate mousse needs something to make it sound more snazzy... maybe fresh berries...


Thursday, July 7, 2011

OMG to the hundreth power...

it's been approved.

i'll have it in my hot little hands with the next few days.

i'm going home!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

mmmore buns

buns of the cinnamon persuasion.


my lovely hubby got me a subscription to bon appetite. american.

so lovely.

they had a recipe for cinnamon rolls. since my recipe for them is still in my dad's garage with all my other cooking school stuff i thought this would be the perfect opportunity to bake the lovely delights for my hunny. since usually we only ever have was when we'd go to the mall in cambridge. i don't think he'd ever had a cinnamon roll before.

so i've made a crapload to take to work to teach some more brits about the orgasmic baked goodie that is cinnamon rolls.

beautiful little buns.

...doused in a pound of cream cheese frosting.

Friday, July 1, 2011

holiday party what?

drunk what?

i'm so grounded after this.


still sick. no voice.



springing forward. a spring to my step. spring clean.

singing in my room. the curtains open. light and lightness enter.

i'm happy again.

it takes so little.

pancakes and a mimosa at breakfast.

the warm kiss of sunshine.

the gentle tickle of a breeze.

a belatedly opened cd. full of memories and smiles.

all of which come tumbling out of the speakers. and mix with my happiness.

a sort of melancholy happiness.

not sad. no regrets.

fond memories. fond songs.

combined with the weather.

i feel a hundred years younger and lighter.

i could levitate home.