which, judging by our last conversation, isn't the case. he's still working. and he's not stamping out license plates in the local jail house. though i reckon if he was he'd be so dapper and cute in his jumpsuit and i bet they have tea breaks and everything.
that odd scenario aside...
we're married. been married for nearly three years. but we're kinda just seeing each other now. i mean. we talk everyday if we can. for about half an hour. only half an hour. but he's so busy. and our conversations all are about how work was. and our routines are so basic and well, boring. plus when we talk. when we talk. it's his afternoon and my morning. so i haven't even started the day. i don't have any interesting anecdotes at seven in the morning. all i can talk about is how i slept at a weird angle because at some point during the night my fuzzy bedmate has migrated into the center of the bed causing me to move around him and get a crick in my neck.
and all he has to tell me is about meetings. so many meetings. he's a manager. i presume that's what managers do. they meet. with people. and talk. about stuff? *head tilt*
during the weekends i try to get out and see people. as does he.
so right now. in this instant. we're like strangers. two people. with a little in common (wedding rings and a looming anniversary). we both live our separate lives. i even catch myself sometimes. thinking... "oh, well when he comes to visit i'll show him this place and we can go eat here..." but i have to stop. and remember. there is no visiting. we're not dating. i don't really live here. this is just a stopping point. this is a five month layover on my journey back to the uk. i have a life. it's been put on hold. the pause button firmly pressed down. except. that it hasn't paused. we've both been going about our daily business.
have we grown apart? does absence make the heart grow fonder?
i ask. because of a recent conversation. (i apologize now hun for putting this out here)... but he said he didn't sleep well... had a lot on his mind you know. busy at work. lots to do. and maybe he's a little nervous about me returning.
i don't understand. and i want to understand. maybe it's misplaced or misdiagnosed anxiousness about my return? maybe he's excited but it's a nervous excited? is it because we've been living apart for five months? so now it's like we have to start all over again?
hi. i'm natalie. i think you're cute. wanna get married?
and of course. being a girl. and i just found out that being an aquarius makes me more likely to be very emotional. who woulda thunk? i'm freaking out.
clearly i'm going back to the uk. i don't think it's anything so strange that i wouldn't go home. i'm pretty sure if something really odd happened he'd have told me don't come back... or at the very least we need to talk. but that hasn't happened. and i hate that the insecurity and doubts from someone else is now flooding into my body. that the crazy suggestion from someone who doesn't even know the whole story is coloring my view. two months ago i would never have even given the idea a second thought. in fact, two months ago i was very upset that anyone had given the idea a thought (never mind the fact they actually voiced it to me). *fist shake*
but here i am.
my leg is in constant nervous motion. i've pilfered my roommates cigarettes more than once today. and the bottles of rum on top of the fridge are looking mighty tempting.
is it just this weird limbo we're in? is it delayed irritation for the months of my unemployment? is it the weight that i'm trying to shift. is it the weird last two weeks of my four week holiday that we spent together? is it work? is it absence? is it me?
you do want me to come home right? don't you?
because i do. so desperately.
i'm empty. i'm halved. i'm nearly translucent.
i don't want to be a stranger.
i miss being yours.