Wednesday, December 12, 2012


they say it's not the destination that counts. but the journey.

often we get so caught up in the mode of transport on our journey. we are sidetracked by the vehicle we're traveling in. so enchanted are we, we fail to notice where we're going. or where we've been.

we're distracted by the mod cons of our little floating bubbles. we're too concerned with having enough gadgets to fidget with. to pass the time in a waking coma. we're so obsessed with comfort and ease. we pull the window shade down. we close ourselves off from the glare outside. from the imagined unsavory and unwanted. and all the while the pretty scenery is forgotten.

after a age we think to check our progress. we find our destination is somehow lost. farther than last we thought. our path has circled and converged. wound in tighter circles. and diverted in lazy waves.

so we make up our minds to clear our path. remove the shiny baubles that glint and glimmer. extract ourselves from our comfortable armor. throw back the window shades and set back down the road on foot.

so all the journey step by step.
is felt.
is smelled.
and seen.

i wouldn't say i've gone off my track.

so much as to say.

i forgot i was traveling.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

museum of life or how i pass a grug test

roaming through past history. rifling through times gone by. my grandmother in laws house is a shrine to years well past. brown and orange wallpaper. shag pile carpet. magazines from the 1970's. most in pretty well perfect condition.

it's strange to sleep. with history infiltrating your dreams. avocado painted nightmares. tangerine heavens.

i found a yearbook. with a name that i don't know. it's for senior year 1970. and the art supplies and sewing books. it's like living in a museum. and i want to keep it all. despite the parental voices... get rid get rid. Maybe you want to learn how to pass a urine drug test for a job? About this in the next post.

i've found so much i want to keep. but i have no storage place. i wish i could convince them. of the treasure trove they wish to dump.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


i was carded today. for a bottle of white wine and a pack of cigs. now. this would be a compliment in any country. but given the fact that the legal drinking/smoking age of this country is 18... eighteen?!

so i presume i look under or between the age of 18 and 21.

that was a nice little surprise for me today.

just a little up for my constant down.

Monday, December 3, 2012


twinkling lights. reflections of presents on colored glass baubles. ribbons. glossy paper and sparkling bows.

it's the eve.

this is my first as a married woman.

it's strange. i know there are many more firsts to be had. and there are so many more seconds to come.

i hope you all enjoy your day as much as i know we will.

merry merry!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

so this is manchester

my new home.

now i'm off to go pick up the fat kitten from London. pay attention. i'm going to LONDON to pick up the cat. LONDON is 3 hours away. i am in Manchester. huge difference. (pointed look to the daddy).

Saturday, December 1, 2012

chicken soup

chicken. noodles. green onion. daikon. bok choy. soy sauce. and a crap load of preserved turnips.

i will kill this cold with yellow slanty eyed hardheadedness dammit!

Monday, November 12, 2012

saving graces...



i owe them so much.

they totally deserve cookies. and lots of 'em.

if you haven't done so recently... i urge you to give your 'rents a call. or a hug. an email. or even a letter.

you'll feel better.

i know i do.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

6 days and redeyes...

it seems i just blogged. in fact. i think i did. 4 hours of sleep on a plane does not a full day make. so today is still yesterday as far as i'm concerned.

seems i booked a different flight that i thought. so instead of arriving in boston at a godly hour. i arrived at the ree-dick-er-us time of 6 am. who is awake at 6 am? certainly not my housemate who in no certain terms said to find my own way home from the airport. luckily i'm an old hand at this. but damn if the hill home didn't kill me.

so i'm home. safe and sound. showered. back in pj's. and cuddling the dog which has lost his winter coat. good thing his mittens weren't sewn into the sleeves or else his momma would scold him something fierce. so it's me and the pup awake now. housemate sleeps soundly. perhaps i'll persuade him to go to ihop with me later. because nothing makes you feel better from a latenight flight and farewells than greasy pancakes.

6 days.

how strange... the me on book of faces... trying to give a

how strange...

the me on book of faces... trying to give a lighter look like on things...

and the then the me here. the true me.

the dark... the angry... the sorry... the useless... the unfulfilled.

everyone wants to talk. but how does it help?

when the one i want doesn't want me?

so i'm left. alone. with the thoughts of my dark mind.

i have family reaching out. which makes me more afraid than the nightmares reaching out.

and i have the comforting darkness...

oh the comfort in that darkness... that sleep. the gentle pain...

what do i do?

i'm only thirty for crying out loud... i should have all my life to look forward to...

and yet i don't.

i can't.

i refuse to accept. i am... as the old cat song song goes... i am a hard headed women.

i am not letting you go. despite what i said last week..

i am. not. letting. you. go.

not now.

and not ever it seems.

Monday, November 5, 2012

grrr- the soundtrack

so i was pushing the next blog button... you know the one. just look up a scosh.

yup... just there.

it's how i find new things to read... and admittedly how i find new things to be angry about.

like how when you find a million blogs with the same plastic family smiling creepily out at you. clones. pod people. i mean. you have plastered the blogosphere with photos of your underage children. you've given landmarks for where to find your little angels. it's just... it just seems like bad parenting.

then there's the ever tasteful blogs that have crappy music playing as soon as you click. because being subjected to your vapid thoughts aren't enough. we also need to listen to your lame music.

oh and don't get me started on the how to blogs... blogs on how to blog! what? wait. what?!

i know i'm generally a curmudgeon on a good day.

somehow these random things make me go nuclear... or nuc-u-ler... whatever.

but then... there are some that just make you smile. like the new link i added... i think i'm supposed to ask if i can link first. but. i just didn't want to risk losing the name. check it out. it makes me smile. and i suppose that's a rarity.



only just.

second chances...

second chance romance?

and because i can't figure out how to use this mac... here's an old apology. it's five years old but still full of my heart.

i may have grown a bit more full figured. but the sentiment is still there.

in fact. the feeling is larger now. stronger. grown deeper. perhaps in order to match vessel in which it's held.

but though my waistline may shrink. my love will only expand.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

singledom: the sequel

living alone (or semi alone) for the past three months has been difficult. it's like being single again. except that there are all of the pitfalls and none of the perks. at least with being single there is the hope of some affection. there is the knowledge that you can always put on a cute skirt and heels and find a friend for the night. but this. this limbo that i'm in. this marriage purgatory where i'm not single. but i'm kinda not married either.

i mean. yes. i am married. i wear my ring. my eyes don't wander. and the only pants my hands have been in are my own. so it's not that i'm single. but i am.

i sleep on a futon. or on the floor. or on a couch. or an aerobed. either way. i'm alone.

i make dinner for one. drinks for one. tea for one.

i wake up alone. well, i always did that. he wakes up early and i'm still comatose by the time he's showered and out the door. but now i wake up and there isn't even a shadow of him. there is no warm imprint for me to roll into. there are no phantom kisses on my forehead as he rushes out the door. it's just me.

i'm hopeful that a change of scenery will liven up this psuedo-single life i've been living. though, i have a feeling that walking past places where we were together will make my eyes sting with tears.

so my newly not-quite-single life starts again on friday. i'm hoping these next three months go by fast. so i can get back to my very-married life.

we'll just have to wait and see.

Friday, November 2, 2012


today was a weird day.

one of those days where nothing seems to go according to plan.

it all started off so well.

i transferred money on friday to my credit card. the money arrived and i paid my visa application fee online this morning.

then i got an email from the credit card. for the charge i just placed. okay. weird. but okay. i can deal with that.

i also had to get ready for work. on a saturday. i know. but i figure why not accept the temp job for a saturday given the fact i've been off for thursday and friday. so i wake up at 6 this morning. get ready. deal with the credit-card-visa-payment-online junk and head out for work around 7:30 am. it's saturday and i don't trust the weather or the busses on saturdays.

i get off the bus early and take a small detour into a part of town which is home to my bank. i deposit a check. i take out cash for dinner later and brunch tomorrow. i've still got time. it's only 8:00 am. i have time to make it to work for 9.

i get to my subway stop. i follow the directions given by the agency. i walk. it snows. i walk. it blusters. i walk. i stop and ask directions. i receive blank stares. i walk. it begins to sun. i call the agency. i received crap directions initially. i turn around. i backtrack. i give up. it's now 9am. i take a cab to my assignment. i call the agency... "i'm here now." "oh, great. you're a bit early." "what? i thought it was for 9am." "no, it's from 10am to 4pm today." "oh... i'll go find someplace with food."


i then realize i'd written the time correctly on my direction sheet. why did i not notice it when i was scouring it for a clue as to how to find the freaking place?

so i wander. i find coffee. i get a small tub of oatmeal. i add soy milk. i add too much soy milk. it overflows. i sigh. i pay. i eat. i leave. i drink my coffee on my way back to the assignment. then i feel a bit of warm. a bit of warm on my chest. i look down to the coffee colored stain now spreading across my breast. i sigh. i bite back a curse and a wail. i chug my coffee. i find a pharmacy. i purchase a stain remover stick-thingy. i deal.

i twist my ankles on the slippery-snowy cobbled streets.

i make it to the office. i'm hot. sweaty. and flustered beyond belief. oh and i'm surrounded by little things born in 92. a school. my assignment. is. at. a. school.

i finish the day 6 hours and several papercuts later.

i join friends for dinner. i use their printer to get the visa application into a hardcopy. we laugh. we play video games. we get ready to drive me home. i get home. i get settled. i check my paperwork for the visa. i check my paperwork for the- fuck! if this was a movie you'd now see the screen pan all fast-like from my room over the streets over the river over the bridge and up the stairs into the living room of my friend. and there on a box. would be my visa application. freshly printed.


it really has been one of those days.

Friday, October 12, 2012

lists and lists...

from insider...well technically from VGT...

ooh only 22 things i haven't ever eaten... and only about two that i would never eat...

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.

2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at linking to your results.

the VGT Omnivore's Hundred:
1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu (kinda, I've had Soju, the Korean version)
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant. (kind of... it was a one-Michelin-star)
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

winter in bloom...

staring out over the blank canvas of the world. a city slumbers beneath a downy blanket. knitted and purled by frosty needles. watching district and borough disappear under an expanse of white. the sheet pulled taut.

quiet chimes. the subtle ringing of millions of miniature glaciers. colliding. settling delicately upon urban tundra.

grey infused with the remnants of sun. tinged pink with the reflected and refracted light of humanity. the warmth of life bouncing and diffusing back. outwards. inwards. breathing.

perhaps a celestial baker. gently garnishing our night with sugar. sweetness to cover the sour. the light powdering melts and glistens. shining. sparkling.

or else the secret life of trees. comes to light in the dark stillness of winter. forcing white buds out from cold black limbs. pushing upwards. unfurling like a chrysalis. until the bleak street is glimmering and whispering. heavy with the weight. dipping towards outstretched hands.

crystalline blossoms.



a bouquet fit for the white witch.

a day for awesome...

standing outside. enjoying the cool air.

i hear a car. i hear music. i can just barely identify the music as celine dion.


celine dion singing my heart will go on.

i look at the car. it's a pizza delivery car.

i figure the owner is a girl...

the music is blaring.

the window comes down.

the door opens.

a very butch man exits.


he delivers the pizza with celine wailing in the background.

it's like he delivered pizza with ambiance music.



Saturday, October 6, 2012

well that figures...

You Are a Werewolf

You're unpredictable, moody, and downright freaky.
You seem sweet and harmless, until you snap. Then you're a total monster.
Very few people can predict if you're going to be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde.
But for you, all your transformations seem perfectly natural.

Your greatest power: Your ability to tap into nature

Your greatest weakness: Lack of self control

You play well with: Vampires

Thursday, October 4, 2012

sleeping but not dreaming...

walking. past clouds made of laughter. they let out a ripple of golden giggles as i brush my fingertips across them. the sky breathes a sigh and rolls over and away dragging a gilt trail of burst smiles with it.

i turn away from the receding skyline. my hands are speckled with the remnants of laughter. i wipe them on my jeans and continue walking.

the ground undulates like the surface of a lake. radiating away from each of my footsteps. wave after wave of spring grass rush away towards an unseen shore.

i feel a lightness. air. i bend my knees. lift my chin. i leap upwards and gain momentum. i sing a chorus of nonsensical words. i watch as the song escapes my lips and wraps me in a warm updraft of air. carrying me higher and farther.

in the distance on a hill, a mirror reflects my flying self. i watch as i land. pirouette. and peer catlike into it's smoothness.

my mirror self looks upwards and meets my gaze. she glances down the length of her body. an arched brow dares me to do the same. i step closer. eye to eye. the mirrors frame expands until we stand face to face with no discernible borders.

her eyes skip across my body. i watch as she appraises me. my brow arches and i look down.

i am startled to notice the jagged edges. my body is halved. my female curves replaced with coves and peninsulas. one legged. one armed. a puzzle half finished. the mirror self smirks self indulgently. she turns and begins to walk away.

i feel a tear race along my cheek. following the gentle slope. before falling slowly down to the ground. the placid surface of the hill erupts in tidal waves as my pain travels outward. my mirror self is halted mid stride. she turns. horrified. she raises her hand in an arrow pointed behind me. before the waves hit her. she shatters into a hail of crystal shards. each piece of my mirror self melts back to tears. and she is swallowed by the thirsty earth.

i turn sadly. behind me. to where she pointed. my eyes are heavy with loneliness.

on the horizon. climbing my hill. a half finished figure. reaches the apex. brushes the tears from my eyes and pulls me closer. i hear the laughter of the clouds. i feel their golden warmth. i raise my eyes into deep blue. his smile is whole. and i wake.


i wake. whole. and happy.


me? never.

in any case this is my adorable wedding blog. go.

ooh and ahh at the cuteness.

or not.


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

time and space

i'm not sure what to say. i know what i want to say. but forming the words. putting them to paper or whatever you call this. the simple act of creating them out of more than just thought and air. committing them to reality.

do i feel i'll jinx it? do i think that by discussing it i'll make it worse? or i'll push everything over slightly in my rush to fit the words into this space. and then nothing will settle back into place.

i don't know.

i've been home for two days now. well, in this place i called home. it's different now. i suppose six months will do that to a place. six months alone will drive anyone a little mad i guess. boxing up our life. shuffling it all into cardboard containers. wiping the space clean. for the future reality of a move. a move somewhere.

or perhaps the act is symbolic? cleaning the space so the new us can figure each other out? a blank slate. or six months alone and you need to do something to keep from going completely mad.

i don't know.

we've been apart for six months.

i suppose if i give a little more time and space. we'll get used to each other. and it won't feel like i'm just visiting.

i hope.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Monday, October 1, 2012

decisions decisions

it's funny how life is.

i was so unhappy as a single. so tired and quiet inside. laughing and bright on the outside. hoping against hope that the act would come true. shedding light with a smile. letting the world and troubles roll off my back. tumbling away from the depths of my black curls.

and yet.

here i am.

not a single.

a half in fact. part of a pair.

and i am happy. before anyone thinks otherwise. let me clarify that one statement.

i. am. happy.

the happiest. not really wanting for anything. my love is full. he is at my side. and i at his. we have carved out our own place. nestled in. fed our roots deep into the world. we aren't shifting from this embrace anytime soon.

and yet.

it is that one pair of words. the "not really" of the statement above. i don't "really" want for anything. oh we all want don't we. want more. more money. more time. more summer. more laughter. more food. more space. more luck. more love.

i don't "really" want for much. but i do find my mind wandering. to the sad single days. when i did have more time. more time for me. though, admittedly that time was ill spent. sulking. or pining. or wishing for what was or could have been.

and here i am. time wasting. sulking. pining. wishing for what was or could have been.

again... i should clarify.

i have ideas. ideals. idols. but i don't fit the molds. i don't fit much these days. these child bearing hips though not in use do find a way to stretch my patience. my coffee skin and chocolate hair seem to call to their kin. until i am more than i was. and still less than i am.

i am a dreamer at heart. i think and think. and i do less and less.

but decisions must be made.

i have all the time in the world.

and so many ideas to release into it.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012


so... this is one of my favorite new blogs... it has nothing to do with ponies. sorry to trick you.

it is pure awesome though. i don't often laugh out loud. but this... this actually had me in hysterics.

it's my gift to you people. enjoy.