Monday, October 1, 2012

decisions decisions

it's funny how life is.

i was so unhappy as a single. so tired and quiet inside. laughing and bright on the outside. hoping against hope that the act would come true. shedding light with a smile. letting the world and troubles roll off my back. tumbling away from the depths of my black curls.

and yet.

here i am.

not a single.

a half in fact. part of a pair.

and i am happy. before anyone thinks otherwise. let me clarify that one statement.

i. am. happy.

the happiest. not really wanting for anything. my love is full. he is at my side. and i at his. we have carved out our own place. nestled in. fed our roots deep into the world. we aren't shifting from this embrace anytime soon.

and yet.

it is that one pair of words. the "not really" of the statement above. i don't "really" want for anything. oh we all want don't we. want more. more money. more time. more summer. more laughter. more food. more space. more luck. more love.

i don't "really" want for much. but i do find my mind wandering. to the sad single days. when i did have more time. more time for me. though, admittedly that time was ill spent. sulking. or pining. or wishing for what was or could have been.

and here i am. time wasting. sulking. pining. wishing for what was or could have been.

again... i should clarify.

i have ideas. ideals. idols. but i don't fit the molds. i don't fit much these days. these child bearing hips though not in use do find a way to stretch my patience. my coffee skin and chocolate hair seem to call to their kin. until i am more than i was. and still less than i am.

i am a dreamer at heart. i think and think. and i do less and less.

but decisions must be made.

i have all the time in the world.

and so many ideas to release into it.

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