Sunday, March 11, 2012

interviews and id checks

this week so far has been quiet. though there were a few random bumps.

on sunday after some late night emailing with the former adorable coworker we planned to meet up for food of some description on monday. i arrived well enough despite my lingering sniffles and the lingering chill of winter. after much deliberation we decided on food. a short amiable walk and we were there. we ordered some nibbles and a beer (non-alcoholic for him, oatmeal stout for me). the waitress who i must point out is probably only just legal to sell alcohol was new and fresh faced. she shyly asked for my id. doing the normal "i'm sure you're old enough but it's the law" act. i smile and hand her my drivers lisence.

now, for those of you who don't know, i just turned thirty. or as i like to call it. twenty nine and a bit. so to be carded is always adorable.

the sweet little waitress then exclaims, upon reading my date of birth and doing some quick math in her young brain... "oh wow! i mean. wow! i thought you were maybe 22 or 23... not... wow." and she hands back my id. so apparently i still look waaaaaaay younger than i feel.

which is sometimes weird when it comes to getting a job. i had an interview today. i'm sure i was way older than the receptionst at the front desk. i reckon i'm closer to the recruiters age than the receptionists in fact. so i always wonder if they think i'm young and just out of school. then they take a look at my resume. and see the amount of time spent at each job. three years here. 2 years there. another three here.

i wonder if they take me seriously. especially given how i dress and do my hair and makeup now. don't get any weird ideas. i just happen to have an ecclectic style that may span a couple of eras. i think it suits me. so shut up.

i guess the main thing is. it's funny how sometimes i look waaaay younger than i should. and yet, i suppose i shouldn't complain about it.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

moving sale

the following items are up for grabs (or for a modest donation [oh please pick a modest donation, pleeeeez])...

i have some other stuff too... small items. which i won't list because who knows exactly what i might end up taking with me. i know some folks have called dibs on the big green thing. so whomever i deem most worthy will receive it (as in whoever says for sure they want it and will remove it and promises to do so in a timely manner... or whoever gives me the most candy. whichever.)

~me (poor poor poor me in need of money)... *puppy eyes*

the big green thing (rip my heart out if you must, but i can't very well take it with me)

4 drawer dresser (happy goldfish included)

beautiful pink flower bookshelf (i am loathe to see it go, but if it's to a good home i'll be mostly contented... mostly)

chessboard coffee table (it's also a blackboard but after i tested it out i didn't like the feel of chalky nasty under my wrists when i used it as a coffee table, it was conceptually awesome but failed the non-ick touch test)

tv (yes, karen the one i took from you and that jason was cool enough to lug down the stairs)
entertainment thingy that the tv goes on (i know, i'm very descriptive)

the matching ugly chairs (which after my makeover are quite lovely if i do say so myself)

3 shelved bookshelf (which always reminds me of the T)

one bed warmer... oh wait, no, that's gonna be put to use in cold cold england.

i am going to miss all my beautiful colo(u)rful furniture. *sigh*

oh and if it's a selling point, i handpainted all this crap. take that martha!

Sunday, March 4, 2012


i am so angry. i want to be better. i want to be happy.

but i am so angry.

i know it's "natural". it's "to be expected".

but fuck that. so many things are to be expected. and damned if they didn't happen.

i know this is probably just a "symptom" or a "normal progression" for what is going on.

i know the world isn't conspiring against me.

but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes.

say one thing. do the other.

try not to get my hopes up. but fail completely.

i'm angry.

i'm sad.

at least i feel something. it's better than being numb. or apathetic.

but i wish this was different. i wish i was different.

i so very much want to change.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

cuppin cakes

just for her and her obsession with the cuppin cakes...

at my holiday party... no wait, it's called a seasonal gathering. anyway. at the holiday party last night i stumbled into the haven of all havens. the dessert center.

calling to me like three giant breasts were three giant cupcakes. huge. gloriously frosted in pink, yellow, and blue. one was all spikey. one was all stubbly with frosting bumps. and the last... actually, i can't remember what it looked like. but it was blue. this... this was the cupcake station. a table devoted only to the cuppin cakes. with plates full of frosted and unfrosted cakes. bowls of toppings. and two mushroom capped chef-ets.

you could chose a premade cuppin cake. or pick out a plain one. at which point the cheffets would squeeze any colo(u)r of frosting onto it... and you could drown it in any type of candy topping you wanted. the sheer joy and utter brillance of this concept made me want to kiss both of the fresh faced little cheffets and demand they take me to their leader.

now if only the cuppin cake hadn't been made incorrectly...


brit speak

since i'm now in my new home i need to speak the lingo...

first things first.

i'm knackered. (translation: i'm fucking tired)

for now that is all. stupid long ass flights and packing and immigrating and blah blah blah. meh.

i'm home now. so it's all good.

night night.

Friday, March 2, 2012

hello again...

rereading myself. revisiting who i was. where i was. in a place that was good. in a place that was better than before. but not as good as now. never as good as the now. even with the insecurity of my future. the unknown. the known. the unforgivable distance.

letting my previous self re-emerge is a strange task. admitting age. inspecting the sameness against the difference. finding the once flaws which are now friends. reminders of years. of smiles. of laughs. of tears.

saddened eyes which brightened. heavy shoulders which lightened. a grey cloud which lifted.

i've never enjoyed looking back. though the risk of having to look forward is equally challenging.

yet somehow there is sweet but bitter joy in delving backwards. the anger and sadness are easier to taste again. to swirl gently in the mouth. the cool weight of many shed tears. the heat from layers of fears. a spicy note of regret. a crisp clean tinge of youthful confidence. to breathe in the air and inflame the flavor. rolling the years upon my tongue. it is easy to taste.

and to release it once again. to place it back in the bottle in the cellar.

to let it age and mellow.

to let myself age. and mellow.

hello again you.

i've missed your brown eyes.

i've missed the arch of your brow.

and i see that though you are just as jaded. there is finally a lightness to your heart.

it fits you.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

tiny deaths...

every night.

they call sleep the "little death". a prelude to the larger more expansive death. a glimpse into the darkness beyond.

in my tiny death i am haunted by him. by things that can never be. by moments that are lost to me now.

and every morning. when i wake. alone. i die even more.

and i damn every waking moment. every passing second that it takes for me to rise from my coffin.

i wait for my tiny death... to grow.

to encompass.

to let me sleep.