except...

i am so angry. i want to be better. i want to be happy.

but i am so angry.

i know it's "natural". it's "to be expected".

but fuck that. so many things are to be expected. and damned if they didn't happen.

i know this is probably just a "symptom" or a "normal progression" for what is going on.

i know the world isn't conspiring against me.

but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes.

say one thing. do the other.

try not to get my hopes up. but fail completely.

i'm angry.

i'm sad.

at least i feel something. it's better than being numb. or apathetic.

but i wish this was different. i wish i was different.

i so very much want to change.