more ups and downs

frustrated. tired. lonely. and aching.

i try to be optimistic. i strive to keep a positive outlook. but i can't begin to hope or expect. the moment i do it all goes downhill.

i play out dialogue in my head. i pretend everything is working out to plan.

but it doesn't. the words i want to hear are unsaid. the gestures i long to see and feel are memories fading.

but the tears and the ache are real.

painfully real.

i fight an internal battle every moment of every day. i fight against my nature to run. i fight my heart and it's desire to freeze. i defy my head calling it quits. i ignore the voice in my mind which says i should give up. i fight the urge to fight.

it's been over a month. this internal war. waging in my tired body.

only a month.

and i want to wait.

but i'm so tired.

i see the white flag in the corner.

i don't even have the strength to lift it.

the hour long visits. early morning emails. a visit here and there. the constantly empty house no longer a home.

i'm dying. slowly suffocating under the weight of my emotions. under the heft of my hope.

but i can't make the decision. and i despair at the thought of it being made for me.

i no longer have the ability to look forward. towards a future which once seemed so clear.

i'm despondent.

i can't hope for anyone to love this strange creature which i've become.

small. withered. empty. and hollow.

i want to give in.

i may as well give up.

you win.