i try to be optimistic. i strive to keep a positive outlook. but i can't begin to hope or expect. the moment i do it all goes downhill.
i play out dialogue in my head. i pretend everything is working out to plan.
but it doesn't. the words i want to hear are unsaid. the gestures i long to see and feel are memories fading.
but the tears and the ache are real.
i fight an internal battle every moment of every day. i fight against my nature to run. i fight my heart and it's desire to freeze. i defy my head calling it quits. i ignore the voice in my mind which says i should give up. i fight the urge to fight.
it's been over a month. this internal war. waging in my tired body.
only a month.
and i want to wait.
but i'm so tired.
i see the white flag in the corner.
i don't even have the strength to lift it.
the hour long visits. early morning emails. a visit here and there. the constantly empty house no longer a home.
i'm dying. slowly suffocating under the weight of my emotions. under the heft of my hope.
but i can't make the decision. and i despair at the thought of it being made for me.
i no longer have the ability to look forward. towards a future which once seemed so clear.
i can't hope for anyone to love this strange creature which i've become.
small. withered. empty. and hollow.
i want to give in.
i may as well give up.