Monday, October 11, 2010

return of the angry

so yea. in case you haven't been aware of the situation with my visa it's basically this:
- in july, apply for renewal of uk visa.
- in september find out that visa agency will not expedite and can not guarantee when the visa (and our passports) will be returned.
- also in september is my best friends wedding (hence the need for our passports).
- the week before our planned flight to the usa in september we are told by the visa agency that our options are to not attend the wedding and await for an unknown time for our visa to be processed OR to cancel the application and lose out on the 400 quid we paid in order to receive our passports. awesome.
- october 2nd, the date that we were supposed to return together after our trip to california for my friends wedding. husband flies out alone as i don't have a visa to return home with him.
- from october to december, much crying, much trying to figure out which country we want to live in, one failed attempt to re-apply for the visa, two interviews in london for the husband, one half filled in green card application for the husband, unemployment for me, indecision, changed plans, and many frayed nerves on both sides of the world for ALL involved...
- mid-december, i use the money that was lent to me for my visa by my dad to visit my husband for christmas.
- december to early january. i forget how it is to sleep alone. i wake up in the middle of the night next to my husband. bliss.
- january, husband and i decide (finally) on a course of action. i'll be returning to the uk. we'll move to london. i need to return to cali (which was always the case anyway) to apply for the visa.

for the time in cali i've been staying with my friend. rent free. though not guilt free. i have no job. i can't contribute monetarily. so i cook instead. i try to help out by helping with the back garden. i clean. i do laundry. i try to stay out of the way. they're newlyweds. i shouldn't be there. i try to teach her how to stretch meals. how to check the pantry before going shopping. how to check the fridge before shopping. how to keep foods costs down by planning meals with what you've already got in the house. by planning for leftovers. i collect them from the airport. i try so hard to be unobtrusive. but my guilt is oppressive.

my guilt is twofold. i've not had steady work. i've not looked hard enough. my husband alone. he's been struggling. trying to handle the same amount of debt with less the income. i'm not there. i can't help. i'm not working. i'm not working hard enough on working. he's had to sell stuff. he's going to move to smaller flat. he's got to rent a room with a friend in london. it's cheaper than living here where we are. he want's to live in london for a while. it's a big city. it's a chance. it's a change. it'll be an adventure. and i'll join him there. i'm apprehensive of course. large cities and i don't mix. but it's exciting. it's london. it's opportunity. it's diversity... it's terrifying.

but it's with him. the man i married. the man i swore i'd be by his side forever. and for 3 long horrible months i've not.

but the guilt.

the burden.

and to have someone i care about... presume that the changes in plans... that the indecision... that all the delays and trepidation is about something more... something else. something sinister? another woman? trouble in the marriage? that somehow i'm dragging them into this... this possible marital stress? this IMAGINED marital stress.

i've found my angry again.

bubbling and roiling. rising to the surface. overflowing into tears. becoming tangible in heat rolling off my body. changing and twisting my guilt into rage.

ask no questions. guess and presume. gossip and whisper amongst yourselves. bring your own insecurities into my despair. thanks so much.

apparently i'm that kind of person. that people can't ask me what's going on. without already having their own version of events. and when i explain multiple times. ignore my answers. and ask again. to ignore my explanation again. and again. so the true picture is hidden.

i'm not that vague. i'm not a closed book. i don't lie. i don't give half truths. i say it as it is. so how can i be misconstrued? i don't sugar coat things. yes there has been a lack of concrete information. not ALL things can be planned. not everything can go according to my plan. or your plan. or some cosmic schedule.

life is life. we make our way. we negotiate a path in an ever changing landscape.

believe me when i say this wasn't in my plan. i really, REALLY would rather things be different. but they're not. i made one choice 3 months ago. i thought it was the right one. and it's becoming increasingly difficult in these past few days to justify that decision. i'm angry. so my words are more sharp than they need be. my actions are more rash than perhaps a rational person would consider.

life is life.

we make our way.

i'll negotiate my path. i can see the landscape laid out ahead.

i can see it transforming.

cliffs. mountains. deep gorges and valleys.

it's going to be shit.

but i think me and my anger will make it through.

i can't say the same for some.

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