i fear i'm closing down. i want to remain open. to keep my chin up. my spirits high. to keep plowing forward. hopeful. and vulnerable.
and there it is.
in my head my voice is screaming. pounding my fists against my thick skull. it isn't going to work. it never does. give up. give in. don't bother fighting. just lay down. cover yourself in gauze. wrap yourself in armor. and sleep.
but in my heart. the smallest of me is wishing. crying. ever hopeful. ever naive. ever loving. maybe this time. maybe. if i just. if i were. i could. i could try. to be more. to be less. to be what everyone wants. to be what one wants.
my head is louder. my heart is sad.
nothing ever works out as it should. i should know better. i should know not to expect. if you never expect for much. your heart won't be broken.
everything is still unsaid.
but my head believes one scenario is coming. and my heart is growing quiet.
my hope is built on shaky ground.
the dry and hollow foundation of my heart.