obligatory i'm still okay post...

okay.

so wedding planning is going... okay? okay.

we have accomplished quite a lot really. jolly good. oh god. i'm talking like them aren't i? that's a bit rubbish isn't it? oh man... there i go again.

i need a good healthy dose of american... stat!!!

all set? hey dude. hey ya'll.

phew.

man. i never knew infiltrating the english peoples would be such a detriment upon my american-ness.

i find myself talking like them only without the fancy schmancy posh accent. it's like a little kid imitating it's parents with it's first cuss word. it's cute the first time and then once you realize the vulgarity you feel shame for the parents and harbor feelings of calling children services.

but you know. it's okay really. because i know, i'm slowly incorporating my amercanisms into the british way of life. i now know of at least two brits who enjoy pb&j sammichs. whoooeeee. we shall prevail.

oh yea. go america.

also...

random. kid on the bus. i say kid. i mean teenager. he was staring intently at all the ladies. all the single ladies... all the single ladies... so he was totally digging on the chicks at the bus stop. and then on the bus. now. i don't know about you. but when i'm on the bus i tend to stare out a window. or let my eyes pass over the other passengers as i watch the scenery pass by. i also like to look out for my upcoming stop.

so this kid. he's sitting in the front. kitty corner to where i am. he's not looking out the window. he's positioned himself at an angle. so he can continue to peruse the talent on the bus.

i watch him as he stares blatantly at all the people with the double x chromosome. clearly he's hoping to get a glimpse of some double something if you know what i'm saying.

so on one of my passes out the window and over the heads of the other riders. i see the kid. he's looking at me. our eyes meet for a split second. i presume my gaze is vague and foggy (what with the cold impeding my system and my general lethargy when it comes to moving vehicles).

he is intent with his look. and then.

and then?!

he winks at me.

what?!

hey kid. i'm sure that if i had enough of an early start on it. i am old enough to be your mom.

seriously?!

winking? at complete strangers?

sweet mother of...

i should be flattered right?

instead. i'm horrified.

is this what happens when you're married? you become either clueless when people are flirting or you are so appalled that anyone can find you attractive.

ugh.

and with this cold i couldn't even formulate the correct facial expression to show my displeasure. so i just kept staring out the window... the window on my side of the bus. well away from winky mcwinkerson over there.

ew.

friday fun?

google-ing random things today. and i decided to pop in a band i love and was introduced to when i first moved out to the east coast. in a red-lit lounge in cambridge i saw them. fantastic. and though my cd collection is still out in the uk i still hum certain tunes when i walk to and from the bus.

so i was quite pleased to see that they'll be playing in central square on friday. i am so going to put my glad rags on and partake in the fun. and since the venue links all the bands playing for that day i'm actually really excited to see them, them, them, and these guys.

anyone else interested in going?

glad i don't live here really...

i am staying at a friend's house until my upcoming move to boston. she's terribly kind to let me crash here and take up half of her bed. especially given her need for a good nights rest due to school, work, and a cold. also keep in mind the fact that she's a light sleeper and i make odd keening noises throughout the night. apparently i started my "hum" as she calls it around midnight last night. even after much gentle persuasion i did not cease my slumbered singing... i have the bruises on my legs to prove it.

so tonight i'll be sleeping on the futon on the lower level of the apartment.

luckily i was not tired around 11pm when her other housemate came home from dinner. a dinner that she promptly ran off to after dropping part of her ikea bedframe on her toes *fist shake, damn swedes!* so housemate, fully sated after dinner and presumably in a better mood to finish her bed, begins the arduous and loud process of assembling her bed.

after much more dropping of metal pieces (onto hardwood flooring) she then begins to hammer the thing together. at 11:30 at night.

so i'm happy i've been relegated to the futon. i can only imagine the angry kicking upstairs.

i am so glad i don't actually live here.

tough week...

i've had some sort of weird "thing" going on. don't want to bore you with the details. but i'm just not feeling myself lately. and i do hope that sentence reads better than how it sounds in my head. because if not... awkward.

so here's something equally awkward but more funny (to me at least). i shall set the scene...

driving in the car. with DM and EX. if you know who DM is, then yay, two points for you. if you know what DM is, then yay, two additional points for being a nerd. we were all driving back from the pet store where i was cooing and squeeing to cute fuzzies. which prompted our talk of cute fuzzies... and their giant balls. which of course degraded into talk of balls.

EX: when i think of my genitalia i think of my balls.

DM: i would have to say my balls aren't the first thing i think of.

me: i don't have balls. but i don't think of a specific part when i think of "it".

after a few moments of awkward silence... i presume it was awkward silence because now we were all thinking of either each others balls or va-jay-jays.

me: i would like to be a boy for a day.

DM: we could switch bodies. but then you'd have to cheat on your husband.

me: why? don't you wanna have sex with my husband.

DM: i wouldn't mind but he's in england! duh!

me: oh right. well, you'd have to be okay with putting your thingy in another boy because i so would wanna try that.

DM: i think if i only had a day i'd pretty much have to have sex with anything that moved.

[silence]

DM: i think we'd both be really sore the next day.

me: yea. yea we would.

ah... the intellectual conversations we have. and THAT was sober!

observing

the air in the bus is warm. stale. stagnant. as though time itself were idling along with the engine. already the bus is half full. or half empty. depending on your mood. on your outlook.

it's been a nice day. one of many that have been strung along this week. like little beads of warmth. hanging delicately from a chain. bouncing sweetly against the collarbone.

this third day of sunshine and gentle breezes casts a spell. the continuous rain has been tossed aside. wellingtons and brollys have been stored away. flip-flops and teeny tiny skirts have been dusted off.

our little world has broken free of the chrysalis. wriggling out from under the grey clouds. spreading multicolored wings. letting our cold skin warm and color until it matches the gold in the sky.

and there i am. sitting in the corner. pressed against the cool glass. head tilted away from the bustle and noise. away from the clamor of youth. the clinging clothes of summer. the alcohol from happy hour.

i close my eyes to the sound of it.

i close my eyes and observe.

office politics

it's less politics and more just plain common sense...

learn people's names. their correct names.

for the past year i've been called "ashley" by one guy upstairs. and i respond because he normally speaks in a heavy accent and kinda talks fast... so "ashley" could sound like my real name. i only just realized over the past month and a half that he calls me "ashley"...

i'm in a dilemma... do i correct him? or just let it go?

i personally don't feel that i look like an "ashley". maybe more of a "sexicca" or "hawtley" or "babelisa" or even an "alexandra".

okay already

sheesh. here's one okay? we only just got married 2 weeks ago. you'd think people could wait a few days for the photos. but noooooo-ooo.

pushy mcpushersons.

wait really?

staying at my mom's house...

no internet.

...

i'm having the shakes of withdrawal.

oh thank fuck for stolen internet.

how on earth can you live without internet?

it's going to be a long 4 days here.

pray for me blogosphere. pray for me.

chance meetings on the bus...

i saw jesus today.

he's much taller than i anticipated.

he also had some pretty sweet shades on straight out of the 80's.

who knew jesus was an emo hipster?

telling the truth

i want to tell you the truth. i want to look you in the eyes. to hold your head in my hands. to lose myself in the quiet storms of your eyes. to forget the past. to remember the future. to close the door on my anxiety and depression.

i want to tell you the truth. that i hate you. that i have no space in my heart for you anymore. that my anger has crystallized around me. and that i've moved on.

i want to tell you this.

but it's not the truth.

the truth is. i love you. despite reason and rationale. in spite of the anguish. and contrary to what my history states. i don't want to run.

i tell you this here. my heart laid bare. upon this electric witness of glass and wires. it's only fitting. the first inklings of love were planted here. sprung from the dark earth of my angst. it's grown. blossomed. and spread.

and now... the first harsh winds of winter have set upon my limbs. and love runs slowly through my veins. slowly and quietly.

stoically waiting for the thaw.

waiting for you.

things one should never do alone...

...drink an entire bottle of wine.

...watch a television documentary about sectioning (translation from british: sent to the looney bin)

...look for flats (apartments). *just added*

...any cooking involving a hot surface. *just added*

...watch "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" * just added*

...go to bed.

...

just sayin'

i know...

i know you know this. i know you know everything.

...

but i miss you.

more than my simple words can ever describe.

i'm sorry.