upon waking the weightlessness dissipates. the soft cocoon of sleep bursts wide. gravity takes over. and i fall up out of dreams.upon waking my wings curl into infinity. becoming useless nuggets of ideas. satellites to my worry. orbiting my thoughts.upon waking i leave a world. where my eyes are not so heavy. where my heart is not so empty. where my conscience is not so full.upon waking i stop being me. i start being someone. a little more rooted. a little more sensible. a little more tired.upon waking i realize. for eight hours i've been dead.
... on loving myself.i'm my worst enemy. but i'm my best friend.i deserve to love me.
because how can i expect anyone to love me.
if i don't change, and learn to love myself?
whatever doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. but i don't think that's true. what if all those little things that "make us stronger" do kill us. maybe not right then. but later. all the small things adding up. and the strain on our heart and resolve becomes too much. all the scabs and scars that held us together. fall apart. rip from our souls. until we are left empty. more than empty. we are now a negative. a black hole. we've turned so far into ourselves that we're upside down. inside out. backwards. waywards. all that remains isn't even a shell. we are simply a cavern. as if all the small things. worked slowly. like the trickle of water over eons. breaking away. bit by precious bit. then the flood gates open. and all evidence of existence is washed away. all that is left is a canyon. impassable. implausible. but. the water doesn't just destroy. all the pieces of us. tumbling along. rushing over rocks. passing by the detritus of other lives. to eventually slow. to saunter. to settle. to create an island. peninsula. a small haven.i suppose it's that glimmer of hope. the quiet promise of becoming something else. after all that you are has been ripped away. perhaps that's what makes us stronger.
many of you know and have expressed concern for the fat kitty. if you don't know, or don't care about the fattness or the kittyness of my kitty, then i suggest you stop reading. because we're about to get all fat kitty in da hizz-ouse yo. oh god, i think i just puked a little in my mouth after typing that. next thing i know i'll be wearing ugg boots with a micro-mini denim skirt. i digress.kitty + fat = wendy
well, on friday of last week she was taken to the cargo place by my dear ex-roommate mark. he's a sucker for animals and he totally would have kept her if i had asked, but instead he took a half day of work in order to drive her to the location where she would be sent as cargo to london. after an ordeal with the cargo people saying the fattness needed a bigger kennel (really?! bigger? is her fat gonna expand in the air like a bag of lay's potato chips?) she was sent happily (yea right, more like pitifully) on her way to the UK.
English and i started our journey to pick her up with a quick stop at mac-oh-doh-nar-dohs. which is japanese for macdonalds according to my friend and fellow half slantyeye, jax. so we get on the way down to london anticipating the suggested 5 hour wait time to pick up the critter, hence we started our trip after we knew she had landed, thus giving us 3 hours to arrive and hopefully only maybe an hour or two wait at the animal quarantine place. just to be sure, we give the peeps a jingle. "she's ready now". what? what about the suggested 5 hour wait time on your flipping website? *shakes fist*
fast forward 3 hours and we are sitting waiting for the kitty at the quarantine. we wait about a half hour before they bring out a scared caged shadow hunkered down in the back of the kennel. we get back into our car (the beast if you will, given it's huge size compared to the regular cars out here. yes hunny. i said it's huge. *rolls eyes* men.) we get into the car. release the creature. and she mews a few times before settling into my lap where she remained for the 3 hour car ride.
this, is the first thing we noticed as being "odd".
when we got home she skulked around for a bit before deciding that my lap was where she wanted to be. it seemed my lap was the only place she wants to be lately. this of course being the second thing we have labeled as "odd".
when either of us is home or sitting on a couch, she needs to be glommed onto us. odd? yes. very much so.
she has become the kitty we always wanted. a proper kitty. affectionate and cuddly. and constantly purring.
of course this means they either switched kitties on the plane or my cat has become inhabited by an evil space alien and it's only lulling us into a false sense of security before it tears us limb from limb in a slow and agonizing death.
but you know. she's cute. so it's all good.
so for the past 2 weeks i've been in the good old U S of A. it's weird to come "home" and visit. to realize that, hey, i don't really live here anymore. i find myself smiling at all my old haunts. i let my fingertips linger on old memories. i look past the skyline into where i was before.it's strange. being back here. as the plane made it's final descent into boston i noticed the color. or the lack of. as if that extra u in britain turned the colours up a few clicks. as if that pronounciation gave extra light and life to the landscape.but this place. this place is still a part of me. it's visiting an old friend. it's putting on a favorite pair of jeans. it's worn and comfortable. it has a familar sound. a smell that brings you back.it's nice to be stateside every once in a while.but it's better still to go home.
sooooo... some of you may not want to hear about lady times. so i would suggest you people either stuff cotton in your ears (or maybe not) or go here if you're a girl or go here if you're a man.so yea. lady times. now some of you folks may know that as per most things associated with me. the lady times are not so normal. they aren't regulated. they just kinda show up like the crazy aunt dora who brings a chicken and lime jello mold to every family event, you know, everyone has fingers crossed she doesn't show, yet inevitably she does. and it's never on the right date or time. or it's during a formal event and she shows up in a tie dye mu-mu and fake tan. or worse. you're just walking along minding your own bizznes and hey, there she is. all crazy and manic.riiight. so that's me and my lady times. i don't like it. it doesn't like me. we have an agreement where i get a few days warning. headaches. random cramping. then a few days of happy solitude. when BAM. hi *shuffling feet* how are you aunt dora? and then we go back to our own little worlds for anywhere from a month to three. i kinda just live with this little niggle. where i know it should happen. but it's so far between each visit that i can't really begin to count days. and it's not like i'm a regular girl. in all sense of the word. it's lame. stupid lady times.i guess the only thing that is normal about it is that i get really emotional. like. even more than usual. which. you know. is already a lot. so dump more hormones on the mix and i'm a wreck.oh joy of joys. the remainder of my goodbyes to boston are gonna be all crazy aunt dora aren't they?dammit. 2 more days. i'm sure you're totally looking forward to me being mopey huh hun?!
i'm getting old. you know. i turn thirty on saturday. terrifying. ab. so. fucking. lutely. terrifying.i dont' know why. it's like there is this invisible hurdle that i have to jump. and with these extra "love" handles. sheesh. that hurdle has grown into a giant wall of amazonian proportions. and here i am. little. squat. child bearing hips. and short legs.but you know. as with most days in my life. i try not to look too far ahead. i just try to tackle it one day at a time. somedays it's not so easy. somedays i can actually pencil in events several months ahead without going into a fullblown panic attack. most days i just shrug it off like last nights pyjamas.today was a good day. this week has been pretty good. all things considered.given the fact that i'm turning thirty. that my husband is in our home without me. that i still need to apply for my visa. that i still need to put a bandaid on my financial status. that i need a job. that i need a job that won't make me take out an ak47. that i'm about halfway between all of my family, friends, and my hubby. that my housemates freaking dog is barking at 11:30 at night. and that i still don't feel like i've accomplished much in my life.this week has been surprisingly okay.either i'm turning a new leaf.or the neighbors downstairs are smoking some good pot which has wafted up to my room through the floorboards.meh.
my day started at 7:30 this morning. up. email. shower. get all gussied up. receive email from long lost friend. skype husband. finish getting ready. rush out the door.brunch with the ladies. much laughing and gabbing.then puttering around davis and harvard... then missing the bus i wanted... taking a different one. and meeting up with the adorable couple at dph. that's the danish pancake house. mmmm.then much more laughing. so much my sides actually hurt.and then. the entire reason we got together in the first place. the trip to the korean superstore.*cue "god" lights and choir singing aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*now we aren't completely sure how long we spent in this giant mall of asian. it could be anywhere from an hour to two hours. we were so engrossed with pointing and laughing and gesticulating at the pure awesomeness that is asian packaging. we spent a good 20 minutes in the kimchi section. barrels and barrels of kimchi. that you can taste before purchasing!wow.so after some questionable purchases we drove back to the couples home where we whipped up an asian feast. can i just say that i love dumplings. i really really love them.i wish movie theaters would put dumplings in a popcorn box and sell them at the concession stand. because i would prefer that to the lame ass popcorn.so yea. i only got home about 30 minutes ago.so much asian.too much kimchi. i think i'll go sleep it off. i'll probably have a kimchi hangover tomorrow.totally worth it.
i'm tired. i'm missing my husband. i can't think of anything interesting to say.on the plus side i had ethiopian food for the first time yesterday. it was good. but i have to say the leftovers if left in your car for an hour will perfume your car with the lovely smell of farts.also. berkeley is full of hippies. i always forget this. and then i get pleasantly surprised at the amount on anger i find bubbling to the surface when i walk around there.oh and i love noodle soup. that's all. carry on.
i lost the last 7 months of my life.will i ever get them back?
steady. but surely. and i know it's still early days. but i am making improvements. i'm making plans and lists. things to do. things to work on. things that must happen every day, week, month, year... so that i can be better.so that i will be better.so that i will be a better me.not just for me.but for you too.i know i will still have drops. falls. and stumbles. but i am working on learning to pick myself up. so you won't always have to.but the thing is. i still do this for you.and i have a sneaky suspicion. it will always be for you.
so today i forgot to eat. breakfast. lunch. meh. i got home and was feeling a bit. odd. tired. and a bit lightheaded. and the world would not stop spinning. i made myself a nice microwave baked potato. and given the lack of calories today i figured. what the hell. i'll use REAL cheese. not my normal fat free kind. oh and i heated up a big bowl of fat free turkey chili. i feel much better now.but something was missing. a dessert. i convinced the roommate to go to the corner store. he purchased some dorritos and a medley of cadbury eggs. for my dessert? i passed up the nilla wafers. i ignored the oreos. i got myself a bignormous box of graham crackers. graham crackers?! THAT was my dessert of choice? i could have had any number of higher caloric goodies. but man. you can't tell me that graham crackers and cold milk isn't a delish dessert.mmmm.so my dessert is all of 250 calories. yay for diets.
... in the early morning light. no one is awake. no one is around to hear my empty heart. no one to see the tears which my dry body can't produce anymore.sitting. watching the smoke lift from the ember. watching as a little more death creeps into my lungs. wishing it was faster.sitting. knowing that i'll never convince an unwanting heart. knowing that i've failed. knowing that i knew all along. i'd end up alone. sitting. pathetic. desperate. sitting. wishing.sitting. having conversations. a hundred conversations. always ending the same. even in my hopeful heart. even the imagined love, leaves.sitting. dying.sitting. going through the motions. feeling my body give up. trembling. shuddering. trying to let go. but unable. sitting. knowing i'll never be able to really love again. knowing that even if i do carry on. i'll always be wishing. always be hoping. to catch a glimpse in a crowd. to catch a pair of blue eyes. to become more than what i am. to reignite. to remind. to be missed. to be loved. to be given a chance.sitting.alone.
public transportation is the main reason i moved back here. the second being of course, that it's where of all places, my heart feels at home. even in the uk. i still love it here best. but all things considered. i'd still rather be back in england.but the bus system. the subways. the commuter rail. everything is close. easy to use. full of fantastically strange people. often times you can hear a busker playing. or singing. my recent favorite was a harmonica player on the red/silver line. the metallic twang was weaving past the posts and beams until it was twisted all the way around each and every one of us. waiting for a train. half not wanting to wait for the train. sometimes the buses can be crowded. or eerily empty. they can show up late. they can show up one block early, leaving you out of breath and cursing into the exhaust. sometimes (and this is the worst) they just don't stop. they don't see you. or you don't walk to the curb fast enough. and efficiently presuming you're waiting for a different bus, they just keep on motoring.even with that inconvenience. the next bus is only 10 minutes away. of course... that's if it's a weekday. and if it's a busy route.regardless. it's easy to get around. you've got legs? great. you can manage. you don't got legs? well, no worries. the buses lower. the drivers help. and as evidenced today by myself and a nice young man. other riders are always happy to lend a helping hand. or shoulder as in the lad's case.a sweet little woman was having trouble getting out of the bus i was waiting for. between us was the curb and a small river of rainwater. i took her hand. she hesitated. so i took a firmer stance and was about to help her more. she let go. i was worried. but then i noticed the fresh faced college kid. he wrapped his arm around her portly aged waist. and gave her a shoulder to lean on. the little old woman wandered cheerfully to her destination. he and i exchanged smiles. good samaritanly smiles. as he continued on his pedestrian commute.the bus pottered up the road. carrying me. my groceries. and my good deed for the day.all nestled happily. albeit a tad rained on.
today i fly to the east coast. i wave farewell to family and friends in the warm california sunshine. my heart is full. my legs are tired. and luckily my luggage isn't too heavy.this time next week. i'll be getting ready for yet another flight. i'll be saying goodbye to my other-brother and all my crazy eastcoast friends. i'll be whispering fond words to the winter wind and snowstorms.it's all so very strange. i thought this day couldn't come soon enough (oddly it didn't). and yet i am sad to go. i hate leaving this part of my life. my american self. but what is waiting for me on the other side is so wonderful. my kitten. my husband. my adorable gay neighbor. sunday lunches. tuna mayo sammiches with sweet corn. jacket spuds. cauliflower cheese. fish fingers. roundabouts. castles. tiny cars. real pubs. cobblestones. sheep as far as the eye can see.everything i've grown to love. i'm so happy to be going home. 7 days!
to try to rectify the 14 hour coma of yesterday i've decided to stay up a bit. yea. who'm i kidding? i'm going to end up sleeping past noon now. phooey.but at least i buffed my nails all purty and got a good 4 hours of law & order.woot.4 days.
my flat is empty. there is only the gently purr of my faithful kitten. though, she is first to abandon me once the window is open. or if any men enter the house, she is there, by their side. ignoring me.the walls are empty. my life. our life is sectioned into cardboard cells. hidden from view are the happy memories and sweetly whispered secrets.but these are not the ghost. it's not the ghost of a marriage that has seen better days. it's not even the ghost of my previous self. the happier one. the carefree and loving one.no.this is a ghost that truly remains unseen.i noticed it most this morning. the sugar bowl that was near empty yesterday. is now full. the milk that was on it's last legs has been replaced with a new carton. there is a cereal bowl, rinsed and set ready to be placed in the dishwasher. the mail that was piled carefully on the counter. is opened. read. and relegated to the garbage. i'm pretty sure the cat can see this ghost. i have a strong feeling it comes and goes with a gentle pat on her head. and possibly with a warm lap for her to perch.if i sit here. still. and close my eyes.i can almost smell the familiar scent of my ghost. almost.
the battle continues. reports are flowing in from all areas of the house...last weekend in fact was a very dramatic case of spider infestation. upon opening the wardrobe i discovered a fat brown spider nestled amongst my hubby's shoes. thinking quick i sounded the alert. "spider!" once the alarm was raised my hubby jumped into action. with what can only be described as sheer bravery he began his patented kill-the-spider dance. now, to an uneducated observer this deadly dance would look similar to a eek-it's-a-spider dance. but, then, you would be sadly mistaken.unfortunately this highly effective kill-the-spider dance contains so many rituals and routines that frankly, we did not have time for, so i leaped into action. grabbing one of my husbands shoes i began to pummel the fat brown spider until it stopped scuttling. half of the spider lay in ruins in the wardrobe, the other half was a schmear on the shoe i held in my right hand. i looked up to see my hunny finish the last steps of the kill-the-spider dance, which looks oddly similar to the oh-good-you-killed-the-spider dance. i stood and waited for the brave husband of mine to clear away the wreckage of what was once a giant fat brown spider.spider watch. 2007. the count is 4.the scene... a dark hallway. the hour is late. my feet are bare. i notice a darkened spot on the carpet. quickly i turn on the light. i recognize my oldest foe. my archnemisis. the spider. the ikcy long legged fat body spider. a good inch and a half or two in legspan. a good inch or two of squarshable surface if you ask me.i calmly walk around the spider in the hallway. it watches me. my reflection moves silently in its many black eyes. i grab a pink converse sneaker from the doorway. i crept stealthily back towards the spider. i lifted the chuck. and WHAM. Wham. WHAM. from the other room my hubby emerges. "that's a big one" he says. "yea." i respond. i walk past my hubby and go to sit on the couch. my weapon cradled in my arms. the house is quiet. the house is safe.spider watch 2007 continues.
spiders. zero.me. three.this last one was the biggest. AND it found me on holiday. everybody else was screaming and/or pointing and/or gesturing to it whilst looking away in fear/disgust. the husband (ever so brave) was pushing the spider away from the couch with his foot (in a spider proof shoe of course). i jumped up from my seated position and began a rousing rendition of a spanish flamenco dance upon the foul creature.the first stamp landed mostly harmlessly on it's outstretched legs. pinning it in place on the hardwood floor. the second stamp landing perfectly with a resounding "splat". i walked away to fetch a paper towel for the husband to do his many job of discarding the still twitching carcass.i sat back down on the couch. placed my right leg over my left knee. and heard several disgusted cries of "eeeeeeeewwww". i looked down. and smiled at the big round wet circle on the bottom of my shoe.oh yea. i kick some spider ass.
one would think that after 3 years of marriage i'd settle down. stop the constant jigging of my legs. be able to sit still for more than 3 minutes without a television, or laptop, or kitty in front of me. one would be wrong. even given the size of my ever expanding hips and ass you'd think i was a bit more sedintary. well... okay. i am. a bit. but if i don't have something to do i do just tend to be a constant bored blur.it's odd.so it makes sense i suppose. that after 3 months of living in california i'm on the move again. heading east. i'd say to greener pastures. but most likely those pastures are covered in snow and ice. i'm heading back to boston. well, brighton really. for 3 months (fingers crossed it's less) before i head back home. home to england. home to husband.so this is my last week in cali. it's all a bit rushed. i'm saying goodbye to people all over again. it's strange. and sweet. and scary.at least this time i know where i'm going.it's much more exciting when you know what's coming up.i get to look forward to things. i can go running headfirst and not worry what's on the other side.goodbye california.i'm sure we'll meet again.
... words said but unheard. exchanges of looks and love that never happen. except when i slumber.part of me is so constantly sad. and the other is ever hopeful.i try to look forward. to that future that was clear. and though the path is muddied and the horizon is vague. i still feel a familiar presence by my side. i can not fathom in my heart of hearts... that this moment will define us. we know each other so well. and though it is strange now. just take my hand.i'll walk slow. i'll walk strong.we'll walk together.
in response to a bratty someone. here are two recipes:
dumplings
2.5 cups all purpose flour
1.25 cups boiling water
1/2 tsp salt (optional)
1/2 tsp sugar (optional) cornstarch (for dusting the work surface)
small bowl of water (for sealing the dumplings)1/2 pound ground pork
1/2 cup finely sliced cabbage (savoy, napa, or even brussel sprouts)
2 finley sliced green onions
2 tbs soy sauce
1 tbs sesame oil
1 tsp vinegar (rice wine vinegar if you have it)
black pepper (to taste, but don't over do it) first, put the flour and salt in a bowl. the sugar and salt are optional because everyone has their own tastes. i prefer my dumpling skins less sweet so i add salt. if you like it more sweet add the sugar. the flour and water combination on it's own is slightly bland with a hint of sweetness. so add salt or sugar to your taste.
okay. flour and salt in a bowl. with a spoon and working quickly, pour the boiling water over the flour. mix until it's a big lump. it will look scary. dump it out onto the counter top and begin to knead the dough. do be careful as the dough will be hot from the boiling water. knead until it is smooth and only just warm. roll the dough into a uniformly thick log. with this amount of flour you should be able to cut the dough into roughly 18-20 pieces. roll the pieces into balls. lightly dust your work surface. put a dough ball on the surface and lightly dust the ball. take a flat bottomed pot or pan (or tortilla press if you have one) and with a gentle and even pressure, smoosh the dough ball. continue this procedure and stack all the wrappers on a plate. the starch should keep them from sticking.next mix the pork with all the other junk. take a dumpling skin in your non-dominant hand. place a teaspoon sized lump of the pork filling and place it in the center of the skin. brush a thin amount of water onto just over half of the dumpling skin (i use my fingers) be sure it's a thin layer of water and not sopping wet. also i put the water on the side that is closest to my body because it's easier to close it up that way. now comes the hard part. there are loads of ways to fold these. i suggest googling "folding dumplings" to get some fancy ideas. it's too dificult to explain without pictures. so you can just fold the dumplings in half and pinch the ends closed. or fold in half and use a fork to seal the edges. i generally pleat my edges. it's the same way you'd pleat fabric. in any case. seal the dumplings.when that's all done heat up a non stick pan over medium heat. add about a tablespoon or two of plain oil. when the oil is hot but not smoking, put your dumplings in. leave them alone. don't flip them over. just let them brown on the one side. when they are just turning golden, add about 1/4 to 1/2 cup of water to the pan and cover. leave the heat on medium until there is steam bursting out the sides. then reduce flame to low. i generally let them steam until the water is gone and i can hear the dumplings sizzling again. during this time i usually mix a dipping sauce:1/4 cup soy sauce1 tbs vinegar1 green onion top sliced fine1 tsp sugar1 tsp water1 tsp hot sauce (i use rooster sauce. it's asian. it has a rooster on the front. it's like the asian versian of ketchup. i put it on everything)1 to 2 tsp of sesame oiltake the dumplings out of the pan and enjoy. they are crazy hot out of the pan. and depending on how lean the pork you are using they can drip scalding hot juice on you. oh and if you don't like pork you can use chicken. or you could use ground shrimp. or even a soy paste meat product thingy.and there you go. dumplings!oh and i said two recipes didn't i. so for the second. you will probably have leftover dumpling filling. i use this to make rice porridge. in thailand it's called jhok. it's a breakfast thing usually made from leftover boiled rice. it's not just a thai thing. all the asian cultures have their own variation. in it's simplest form it's rice boiled with chicken stock (or veggie stock). when i make mine this is what i use:1/2 cup white rice (any ole type)1/2 cup of brown rice1/2 cup celery chopped1 tbs grated ginger2 green onions slicedwater or veggie stock (this is hard to measure. you'll need at least 4 cups. but it depends on how thick you like your soup AND how long you cook it)any leftover dumpling filling2 tbs fish sauce (or more to taste)basically you chuck everything into a pot and set it to boil. once it's boiling let it simmer until the rice just falls apart. i prefer my jhok to be the thickness of a thin oatmeal or clam chowder. after everything is cooked and soft (for me this takes about an hour) i ladle out a bowl ful and garnish with lots of fun asian things:fried garlic - garlic is grated finely and gently fried in plain oil until golden brown. my mom had a jar of this always full and at the ready by the side of the stove. we put it in all our soups. the oil is nutty and mellow and the garlic is so crunchy and just punches you in the tastebuds.sliced celery tops and green onions.a salted duck egg - don't make a face at me. it's delish. if you don't have any of these then you can use a regular raw egg. the soup mostly cooks the egg, so if you can't have raw eggs then don't use one (or use a pasturized one).rooster sauce - also know as sriracha. you can use sambal olek if you have it. i prefer sriracha.pickled chilies - i sliced all my thai chilies and chucked them in a jar and covered them with vinegar. i keep them in the fridge. i use this with the sriracha because i love the tang of vinegar.finely sliced ginger and white pepper are also nice to put in your soup.and that's it. when i made this last weekend i made so much i was able to have a bowl of it for breaky every day this past week. i have never been so happy to wake up in the morning.mmmmm.
good news. i sent my visa in on thursday.fingers crossed. fingers crossed!
6 am. i'm already dressed and showered. it's early enough that i may have done it in that order.were damn near ready to leave.wheeee!home for the holidays!
time for the hubby to see his in laws for the first time since the wedding.
time for me to stuff my face with my long lost american foods.
joy!
i am jittery with excitement!
i make no promises. i can not guarantee the length of this burst of optimism and assertiveness. i suspect it will ebb and flow.
i know i have up days. and i have multiple down days. but i have a goal set. i am going to fight.i am going to fight you. for you.because you deserve to be fought for.and you deserve me.
