i find solitude a strange thing. like a cool heat. or a silent scream.i enjoy the quiet of being alone. of being so focused upon one action or thought. of not feeling the sun slip across my skin. of only stirring from a dream when the cool kiss of moonlight disrupts the hair upon my neck.but this quiet. this alone that i feel so comfortable with in one instance. can raise the hair upon my neck in gooseflesh. the inward focused gaze becomes vague. misty. filled with illusions and whispers. i can track the path of the sun by the jagged shadows flitting across my vision. harsh lighting. deep darkness.perhaps i have grown accustomed to my solitude spilling into companionship. two single worlds. orbiting each other. me in mine. he in his. alone and together.so now our paths are thrown off kilter. and i find myself more and more in the discomfort of solitude. alone among friends.it's a strange place to be.i'm ready to not be alone.any time now.
there are no real cinderella stories. no real happily ever afters. no romantic gestures. no running to the airport to catch a fleeing heart. no rainy days spent under a doors lintel waiting for love to return.i was a blind. a fool for the drama that hollywood has imagined. i was taken for a ride by the flowing words of story tellers. yarns spun to entrap young hearts and shackle hopeful minds.i've been herded like so many. into the walls of marriage. into the lies of love. love was supposed to be enough. if you loved someone. somehow. it would all turn out right.if you gave someone. all that you were. all that you are. all that you could ever be. if you gave willingly your heart. your trust. your secrets. that they would see past any flaws. they would know your true worth. they would fight for you. they would mean the words they said to you. they wouldn't run at the first bump in the road.oh love. how you pain me. how you cut me. and so i will continue to be pained. to be cut. to be burned. because i am a fool. because though i want to fight. though i know in the shattered pieces of my heart. my love belongs to one who doesn't see clearly. my traitorous heart will always wait. always long. for that moment. near the credits. when they reunite. and the music swells. and the hearts of two beat as one. and the happily ever after is promised.i will cry. i will suffer. i will slowly die.i will fight. i will yell. i will burn things and break things.i will live. i will wait.i will be silent.i will leave.and i will stay.and i will speak no more.
i've noticed moments of quiet in my soul. it happens in time of happiness. all the angst and anger has been tempered by contentment. i feel as though this joy somehow saps my creativity. i find that the words don't behave as they used to. i wrangle with the feel of them. where i used to pluck the rhymes from the air like little threads of spidersweb. i now sift through the cobweb filled recesses of my own mind.it's as if being in a relationship. no. strike that. being in a happy relationship makes you sluggish. you wade through hugs and kisses. each sweet snuggle catching your ankles as you struggle through a bog made of comforters and cookies. where you used to make entertaining remarks now you talk of mortgages. all your witty quips are in regard to what piece of furniture you just bought. your nights are full of cuddling in front of the television watching crappy shows in your pajamas.on the rare occasion when you do deign it necessary to leave your warm nest you find late nights to be a bother. you realize that your conversations are in the irritating sublanguage of "we". we this. we that. we feel. we. we. we.slowly you slip into this. but you know. after two years? there are always little discoveries. new stories. more conversations about things you never knew. and the nights of canoodling on the couch? i wouldn't want to spend my evenings any other way.
oh hopeful heart. where do we go from here?i'm walking on ever changing landscapes.i do so hope i don't take a misstep.and if i do. i wish for a familiar hand to catch me.
