saving graces...

parents.

always.

i owe them so much.

they totally deserve cookies. and lots of 'em.

if you haven't done so recently... i urge you to give your 'rents a call. or a hug. an email. or even a letter.

you'll feel better.

i know i do.

6 days and redeyes...

it seems i just blogged. in fact. i think i did. 4 hours of sleep on a plane does not a full day make. so today is still yesterday as far as i'm concerned.

seems i booked a different flight that i thought. so instead of arriving in boston at a godly hour. i arrived at the ree-dick-er-us time of 6 am. who is awake at 6 am? certainly not my housemate who in no certain terms said to find my own way home from the airport. luckily i'm an old hand at this. but damn if the hill home didn't kill me.

so i'm home. safe and sound. showered. back in pj's. and cuddling the dog which has lost his winter coat. good thing his mittens weren't sewn into the sleeves or else his momma would scold him something fierce. so it's me and the pup awake now. housemate sleeps soundly. perhaps i'll persuade him to go to ihop with me later. because nothing makes you feel better from a latenight flight and farewells than greasy pancakes.

6 days.

how strange... the me on book of faces... trying to give a

how strange...

the me on book of faces... trying to give a lighter look like on things...

and the then the me here. the true me.

the dark... the angry... the sorry... the useless... the unfulfilled.

everyone wants to talk. but how does it help?

when the one i want doesn't want me?

so i'm left. alone. with the thoughts of my dark mind.

i have family reaching out. which makes me more afraid than the nightmares reaching out.

and i have the comforting darkness...

oh the comfort in that darkness... that sleep. the gentle pain...

what do i do?

i'm only thirty for crying out loud... i should have all my life to look forward to...

and yet i don't.

i can't.

i refuse to accept. i am... as the old cat song song goes... i am a hard headed women.

i am not letting you go. despite what i said last week..

i am. not. letting. you. go.

not now.

and not ever it seems.

grrr- the soundtrack

so i was pushing the next blog button... you know the one. just look up a scosh.

yup... just there.

it's how i find new things to read... and admittedly how i find new things to be angry about.

like how when you find a million blogs with the same plastic family smiling creepily out at you. clones. pod people. i mean. you have plastered the blogosphere with photos of your underage children. you've given landmarks for where to find your little angels. it's just... it just seems like bad parenting.

then there's the ever tasteful blogs that have crappy music playing as soon as you click. because being subjected to your vapid thoughts aren't enough. we also need to listen to your lame music.

oh and don't get me started on the how to blogs... blogs on how to blog! what? wait. what?!

i know i'm generally a curmudgeon on a good day.

somehow these random things make me go nuclear... or nuc-u-ler... whatever.

but then... there are some that just make you smile. like the new link i added... i think i'm supposed to ask if i can link first. but. i just didn't want to risk losing the name. check it out. it makes me smile. and i suppose that's a rarity.

still...

breathing.

only just.

second chances...

second chance romance?

and because i can't figure out how to use this mac... here's an old apology. it's five years old but still full of my heart.

i may have grown a bit more full figured. but the sentiment is still there.

in fact. the feeling is larger now. stronger. grown deeper. perhaps in order to match vessel in which it's held.

but though my waistline may shrink. my love will only expand.

singledom: the sequel

living alone (or semi alone) for the past three months has been difficult. it's like being single again. except that there are all of the pitfalls and none of the perks. at least with being single there is the hope of some affection. there is the knowledge that you can always put on a cute skirt and heels and find a friend for the night. but this. this limbo that i'm in. this marriage purgatory where i'm not single. but i'm kinda not married either.

i mean. yes. i am married. i wear my ring. my eyes don't wander. and the only pants my hands have been in are my own. so it's not that i'm single. but i am.

i sleep on a futon. or on the floor. or on a couch. or an aerobed. either way. i'm alone.

i make dinner for one. drinks for one. tea for one.

i wake up alone. well, i always did that. he wakes up early and i'm still comatose by the time he's showered and out the door. but now i wake up and there isn't even a shadow of him. there is no warm imprint for me to roll into. there are no phantom kisses on my forehead as he rushes out the door. it's just me.

i'm hopeful that a change of scenery will liven up this psuedo-single life i've been living. though, i have a feeling that walking past places where we were together will make my eyes sting with tears.

so my newly not-quite-single life starts again on friday. i'm hoping these next three months go by fast. so i can get back to my very-married life.

we'll just have to wait and see.

dammit

today was a weird day.

one of those days where nothing seems to go according to plan.

it all started off so well.

i transferred money on friday to my credit card. the money arrived and i paid my visa application fee online this morning.

then i got an email from the credit card. for the charge i just placed. okay. weird. but okay. i can deal with that.

i also had to get ready for work. on a saturday. i know. but i figure why not accept the temp job for a saturday given the fact i've been off for thursday and friday. so i wake up at 6 this morning. get ready. deal with the credit-card-visa-payment-online junk and head out for work around 7:30 am. it's saturday and i don't trust the weather or the busses on saturdays.

i get off the bus early and take a small detour into a part of town which is home to my bank. i deposit a check. i take out cash for dinner later and brunch tomorrow. i've still got time. it's only 8:00 am. i have time to make it to work for 9.

i get to my subway stop. i follow the directions given by the agency. i walk. it snows. i walk. it blusters. i walk. i stop and ask directions. i receive blank stares. i walk. it begins to sun. i call the agency. i received crap directions initially. i turn around. i backtrack. i give up. it's now 9am. i take a cab to my assignment. i call the agency... "i'm here now." "oh, great. you're a bit early." "what? i thought it was for 9am." "no, it's from 10am to 4pm today." "oh... i'll go find someplace with food."

nice.

i then realize i'd written the time correctly on my direction sheet. why did i not notice it when i was scouring it for a clue as to how to find the freaking place?

so i wander. i find coffee. i get a small tub of oatmeal. i add soy milk. i add too much soy milk. it overflows. i sigh. i pay. i eat. i leave. i drink my coffee on my way back to the assignment. then i feel a bit of warm. a bit of warm on my chest. i look down to the coffee colored stain now spreading across my breast. i sigh. i bite back a curse and a wail. i chug my coffee. i find a pharmacy. i purchase a stain remover stick-thingy. i deal.

i twist my ankles on the slippery-snowy cobbled streets.

i make it to the office. i'm hot. sweaty. and flustered beyond belief. oh and i'm surrounded by little things born in 92. a school. my assignment. is. at. a. school.

i finish the day 6 hours and several papercuts later.

i join friends for dinner. i use their printer to get the visa application into a hardcopy. we laugh. we play video games. we get ready to drive me home. i get home. i get settled. i check my paperwork for the visa. i check my paperwork for the- fuck! if this was a movie you'd now see the screen pan all fast-like from my room over the streets over the river over the bridge and up the stairs into the living room of my friend. and there on a box. would be my visa application. freshly printed.

sigh.

it really has been one of those days.